牛津書蟲第6級6-01.Jane Eyre Chapter 35

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Chapter35

HedidnotleaveforCambridgethenextday,ashehadsaidhewould.Hedeferredhisdepartureawholeweek,andduringthattimehemademefeelwhatseverepunishmentagoodyetstern,aconscientiousyetimplacablemancaninflictononewhohasoffendedhim.Withoutoneovertactofhostility,oneupbraidingword,hecontrivedtoimpressmemomentlywiththeconvictionthatIwasputbeyondthepaleofhisfavour.

NotthatSt.Johnharbouredaspiritofunchristianvindictiveness—notthathewouldhaveinjuredahairofmyhead,ifithadbeenfullyinhispowertodoso.Bothbynatureandprinciple,hewassuperiortothemeangratificationofvengeance:hehadforgivenmeforsayingIscornedhimandhislove,buthehadnotforgottenthewords;andaslongasheandIlivedheneverwouldforgetthem.Isawbyhislook,whenheturnedtome,thattheywerealwayswrittenontheairbetweenmeandhim;wheneverIspoke,theysoundedinmyvoicetohisear,andtheirechotonedeveryanswerhegaveme.

Hedidnotabstainfromconversingwithme:heevencalledmeasusualeachmorningtojoinhimathisdesk;andIfearthecorruptmanwithinhimhadapleasureunimpartedto,andunsharedby,thepureChristian,inevincingwithwhatskillhecould,whileactingandspeakingapparentlyjustasusual,extractfromeverydeedandeveryphrasethespiritofinterestandapprovalwhichhadformerlycommunicateda

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certainausterecharmtohislanguageandmanner.Tome,hewasinrealitybecomenolongerflesh,butmarble;hiseyewasacold,bright,bluegem;histongueaspeakinginstrument—nothingmore.

Allthiswastorturetome—refined,lingeringtorture.Itkeptupaslowfireofindignationandatremblingtroubleofgrief,whichharassedandcrushedmealtogether.Ifelthow—ifIwerehiswife,thisgoodman,pureasthedeepsunlesssource,couldsoonkillme,withoutdrawingfrommyveinsasingledropofblood,orreceivingonhisowncrystalconsciencethefainteststainofcrime.EspeciallyIfeltthiswhenImadeanyattempttopropitiatehim.Noruthmetmyruth.HEexperiencednosufferingfromestrangement—noyearningafterreconciliation;andthough,morethanonce,myfastfallingtearsblisteredthepageoverwhichwebothbent,theyproducednomoreeffectonhimthanifhishearthadbeenreallyamatterofstoneormetal.Tohissisters,meantime,hewassomewhatkinderthanusual:asifafraidthatmerecoldnesswouldnotsufficientlyconvincemehowcompletelyIwasbanishedandbanned,headdedtheforceofcontrast;andthisIamsurehedidnotbyforce,butonprinciple.

Thenightbeforehelefthome,happeningtoseehimwalkinginthegardenaboutsunset,andremembering,asIlookedathim,thatthisman,alienatedashenowwas,hadoncesavedmylife,andthatwewerenearrelations,Iwasmovedtomakealastattempttoregainhisfriendship.Iwentoutandapproachedhimashe

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stoodleaningoverthelittlegate;Ispoketothepointatonce.

“St.John,Iamunhappybecauseyouarestillangrywithme.Letusbefriends.”

“Ihopewearefriends,”wastheunmovedreply;whilehestillwatchedtherisingofthemoon,whichhehadbeencontemplatingasIapproached.

“No,St.John,wearenotfriendsaswewere.Youknowthat.”

“Arewenot?Thatiswrong.Formypart,Iwishyounoillandallgood.”

“Ibelieveyou,St.John;forIamsureyouareincapableofwishinganyoneill;but,asIamyourkinswoman,Ishoulddesiresomewhatmoreofaffectionthanthatsortofgeneralphilanthropyyouextendtomerestrangers.”

“Ofcourse,”hesaid.“Yourwishisreasonable,andIamfarfromregardingyouasastranger.”

This,spokeninacool,tranquiltone,wasmortifyingandbafflingenough.HadIattendedtothesuggestionsofprideandire,Ishouldimmediatelyhavelefthim;butsomethingworkedwithinmemorestronglythanthosefeelingscould.Ideeplyveneratedmycousin’stalentandprinciple.Hisfriendshipwasofvaluetome:toloseittriedmeseverely.Iwouldnotsosoonrelinquishtheattempttoreconquerit.

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“Mustwepartinthisway,St.John?AndwhenyougotoIndia,willyouleavemeso,withoutakinderwordthanyouhaveyetspoken?”

Henowturnedquitefromthemoonandfacedme.

“WhenIgotoIndia,Jane,willIleaveyou!What!doyounotgotoIndia?”

“YousaidIcouldnotunlessImarriedyou.”

“Andyouwillnotmarryme!Youadheretothatresolution?”

Reader,doyouknow,asIdo,whatterrorthosecoldpeoplecanputintotheiceoftheirquestions?Howmuchofthefalloftheavalancheisintheiranger?ofthebreakingupofthefrozenseaintheirdispleasure?

“No.St.John,Iwillnotmarryyou.Iadheretomyresolution.”

Theavalanchehadshakenandslidalittleforward,butitdidnotyetcrashdown.

“Oncemore,whythisrefusal?”heasked.

“Formerly,”Ianswered,“becauseyoudidnotloveme;now,Ireply,becauseyoualmosthateme.IfIwereto

marryyou,youwouldkillme.Youarekillingmenow.”Hislipsandcheeksturnedwhite—quitewhite.

“ISHOULDKILLYOU—IAMKILLINGYOU?Yourwordsaresuchasoughtnottobeused:violent,unfeminine,anduntrue.Theybetrayanunfortunate

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stateofmind:theymeritseverereproof:theywouldseeminexcusable,butthatitisthedutyofmantoforgivehisfellowevenuntilseventy-and-seventimes.”Ihadfinishedthebusinessnow.Whileearnestlywishingtoerasefromhismindthetraceofmyformeroffence,Ihadstampedonthattenacioussurfaceanotherandfardeeperimpression,Ihadburntitin.

“Nowyouwillindeedhateme,”Isaid.“Itisuselessto

attempttoconciliateyou:IseeIhavemadeaneternalenemyofyou.”

Afreshwrongdidthesewordsinflict:theworse,becausetheytouchedonthetruth.Thatbloodlesslipquiveredtoatemporaryspasm.IknewthesteelyireIhadwhetted.Iwasheart-wrung.

“Youutterlymisinterpretmywords,”Isaid,atonce

seizinghishand:“Ihavenointentiontogrieveorpainyou—indeed,Ihavenot.”Mostbitterlyhesmiled—mostdecidedlyhewithdrewhishandfrommine.“Andnowyourecallyourpromise,andwillnotgotoIndiaatall,Ipresume?”saidhe,afteraconsiderablepause.“Yes,Iwill,asyourassistant,”Ianswered.Averylongsilencesucceeded.WhatstruggletherewasinhimbetweenNatureandGraceinthisinterval,I

cannottell:onlysingulargleamsscintillatedinhiseyes,andstrangeshadowspassedoverhisface.Hespokeatlast.

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“Ibeforeprovedtoyoutheabsurdityofasinglewomanofyourageproposingtoaccompanyabroadasinglemanofmine.Iprovedittoyouinsuchtermsas,Ishouldhavethought,wouldhavepreventedyoureveragainalludingtotheplan.Thatyouhavedoneso,Iregret—foryoursake.”

Iinterruptedhim.Anythinglikeatangiblereproachgavemecourageatonce.“Keeptocommonsense,St.John:youarevergingonnonsense.YoupretendtobeshockedbywhatIhavesaid.Youarenotreallyshocked:for,withyoursuperiormind,youcannotbeeithersodullorsoconceitedastomisunderstandmymeaning.Isayagain,Iwillbeyourcurate,ifyoulike,butneveryourwife.”

Againheturnedlividlypale;but,asbefore,controlledhispassionperfectly.Heansweredemphaticallybutcalmly-

“Afemalecurate,whoisnotmywife,wouldneversuitme.Withme,then,itseems,youcannotgo:butifyouaresincereinyouroffer,Iwill,whileintown,speaktoamarriedmissionary,whosewifeneedsacoadjutor.YourownfortunewillmakeyouindependentoftheSociety’said;andthusyoumaystillbesparedthedishonourofbreakingyourpromiseanddesertingthebandyouengagedtojoin.”

NowIneverhad,asthereaderknows,eithergivenanyformalpromiseorenteredintoanyengagement;andthislanguagewasallmuchtoohardandmuchtoodespoticfortheoccasion.Ireplied-

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“Thereisnodishonour,nobreachofpromise,nodesertioninthecase.IamnotundertheslightestobligationtogotoIndia,especiallywithstrangers.WithyouIwouldhaveventuredmuch,becauseIadmire,confidein,and,asasister,Iloveyou;butIamconvincedthat,gowhenandwithwhomIwould,Ishouldnotlivelonginthatclimate.”

“Ah!youareafraidofyourself,”hesaid,curlinghislip.

“Iam.Goddidnotgivememylifetothrowaway;andtodoasyouwishmewould,Ibegintothink,bealmostequivalenttocommittingsuicide.Moreover,beforeIdefinitivelyresolveonquittingEngland,IwillknowforcertainwhetherIcannotbeofgreaterusebyremaining

initthanbyleavingit.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Itwouldbefruitlesstoattempttoexplain;butthereisapointonwhichIhavelongenduredpainfuldoubt,andIcangonowheretillbysomemeansthatdoubtisremoved.”

“Iknowwhereyourheartturnsandtowhatitclings.Theinterestyoucherishislawlessandunconsecrated.Longsinceyououghttohavecrushedit:nowyoushouldblushtoalludetoit.YouthinkofMr.Rochester?”

Itwastrue.Iconfesseditbysilence.

“AreyougoingtoseekMr.Rochester?”

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“Imustfindoutwhatisbecomeofhim.”

“Itremainsforme,then,”hesaid,“torememberyouinmyprayers,andtoentreatGodforyou,inallearnestness,thatyoumaynotindeedbecomeacastaway.IhadthoughtIrecognisedinyouoneofthechosen.ButGodseesnotasmansees:HISwillbedone

—“

Heopenedthegate,passedthroughit,andstrayedawaydowntheglen.Hewassoonoutofsight.

Onre-enteringtheparlour,IfoundDianastandingatthewindow,lookingverythoughtful.DianawasagreatdealtallerthanI:sheputherhandonmyshoulder,and,stooping,examinedmyface.

“Jane,”shesaid,“youarealwaysagitatedandpalenow.Iamsurethereissomethingthematter.TellmewhatbusinessSt.Johnandyouhaveonhands.Ihavewatchedyouthishalfhourfromthewindow;youmustforgivemybeingsuchaspy,butforalongtimeIhavefanciedIhardlyknowwhat.St.Johnisastrangebeing

—“

Shepaused—Ididnotspeak:soonsheresumed-

“Thatbrotherofminecherishespeculiarviewsofsomesortrespectingyou,Iamsure:hehaslongdistinguishedyoubyanoticeandinteresthenevershowedtoanyoneelse—towhatend?Iwishhelovedyou—doeshe,Jane?”

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Iputhercoolhandtomyhotforehead;“No,Die,notonewhit.”

“Thenwhydoeshefollowyousowithhiseyes,andgetyousofrequentlyalonewithhim,andkeepyousocontinuallyathisside?MaryandIhadbothconcludedhewishedyoutomarryhim.”

“Hedoes—hehasaskedmetobehiswife.”

Dianaclappedherhands.“Thatisjustwhatwehopedandthought!Andyouwillmarryhim,Jane,won’tyou?AndthenhewillstayinEngland.”

“Farfromthat,Diana;hissoleideainproposingtomeistoprocureafittingfellow-labourerinhisIndiantoils.”

“What!HewishesyoutogotoIndia?”

“Yes.”

“Madness!”sheexclaimed.“Youwouldnotlivethreemonthsthere,Iamcertain.Younevershallgo:youhavenotconsented,haveyou,Jane?”

“Ihaverefusedtomarryhim—“

“Andhaveconsequentlydispleasedhim?”she

suggested.

“Deeply:hewillneverforgiveme,Ifear:yetIofferedtoaccompanyhimashissister.”

“Itwasfranticfollytodoso,Jane.Thinkofthetaskyouundertook—oneofincessantfatigue,wherefatigue

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killseventhestrong,andyouareweak.St.John—youknowhim—wouldurgeyoutoimpossibilities:withhimtherewouldbenopermissiontorestduringthehothours;andunfortunately,Ihavenoticed,whateverheexacts,youforceyourselftoperform.Iamastonishedyoufoundcouragetorefusehishand.You

donotlovehimthen,Jane?”

“Notasahusband.”

“Yetheisahandsomefellow.”

“AndIamsoplain,yousee,Die.Weshouldneversuit.”

“Plain!You?Notatall.Youaremuchtoopretty,aswellastoogood,tobegrilledaliveinCalcutta.”Andagainsheearnestlyconjuredmetogiveupallthoughtsofgoingoutwithherbrother.

“Imustindeed,”Isaid;“forwhenjustnowIrepeatedtheofferofservinghimforadeacon,heexpressedhimselfshockedatmywantofdecency.HeseemedtothinkIhadcommittedanimproprietyinproposingtoaccompanyhimunmarried:asifIhadnotfromthefirsthopedtofindinhimabrother,andhabituallyregardedhimassuch.”

“Whatmakesyousayhedoesnotloveyou,Jane?”

“Youshouldhearhimselfonthesubject.Hehasagainandagainexplainedthatitisnothimself,buthisofficehewishestomate.HehastoldmeIamformedforlabour—notforlove:whichistrue,nodoubt.But,in

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myopinion,ifIamnotformedforlove,itfollowsthatIamnotformedformarriage.Woulditnotbestrange,Die,tobechainedforlifetoamanwhoregardedonebutasausefultool?”

“Insupportable—unnatural—outofthequestion!”

“Andthen,”Icontinued,“thoughIhaveonlysisterlyaffectionforhimnow,yet,ifforcedtobehiswife,Icanimaginethepossibilityofconceivinganinevitable,strange,torturingkindofloveforhim,becauseheissotalented;andthereisoftenacertainheroicgrandeurinhislook,manner,andconversation.Inthatcase,mylotwouldbecomeunspeakablywretched.Hewouldnotwantmetolovehim;andifIshowedthefeeling,hewouldmakemesensiblethatitwasasuperfluity,unrequiredbyhim,unbecominginme.Iknowhewould.”

“AndyetSt.Johnisagoodman,”saidDiana.

“Heisagoodandagreatman;butheforgets,pitilessly,thefeelingsandclaimsoflittlepeople,inpursuinghisownlargeviews.Itisbetter,therefore,fortheinsignificanttokeepoutofhisway,lest,inhisprogress,heshouldtramplethemdown.Herehecomes!Iwillleaveyou,Diana.”AndIhastenedupstairsasIsawhimenteringthegarden.

ButIwasforcedtomeethimagainatsupper.Duringthatmealheappearedjustascomposedasusual.Ihadthoughthewouldhardlyspeaktome,andIwascertainhehadgivenupthepursuitofhismatrimonialscheme:

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thesequelshowedIwasmistakenonbothpoints.Headdressedmepreciselyinhisordinarymanner,orwhathad,oflate,beenhisordinarymanner—onescrupulouslypolite.NodoubthehadinvokedthehelpoftheHolySpirittosubduetheangerIhadrousedinhim,andnowbelievedhehadforgivenmeoncemore.

Fortheeveningreadingbeforeprayers,heselectedthetwenty-firstchapterofRevelation.ItwasatalltimespleasanttolistenwhilefromhislipsfellthewordsoftheBible:neverdidhisfinevoicesoundatoncesosweetandfull—neverdidhismannerbecomesoimpressiveinitsnoblesimplicity,aswhenhedeliveredtheoraclesofGod:andto-nightthatvoicetookamoresolemntone—thatmanneramorethrillingmeaning—ashesatinthemidstofhishouseholdcircle(theMaymoonshininginthroughtheuncurtainedwindow,andrenderingalmostunnecessarythelightofthecandleonthetable):ashesatthere,bendingoverthegreatoldBible,anddescribedfromitspagethevisionofthenewheavenandthenewearth—toldhowGodwouldcometodwellwithmen,howHewouldwipeawayalltearsfromtheireyes,andpromisedthatthereshouldbenomoredeath,neithersorrownorcrying,noranymorepain,becausetheformerthingswerepassedaway.

Thesucceedingwordsthrilledmestrangelyashespokethem:especiallyasIfelt,bytheslight,indescribablealterationinsound,thatinutteringthem,hiseyehadturnedonme.

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“Hethatovercomethshallinheritallthings;andIwillbehisGod,andheshallbemyson.But,”wasslowly,distinctlyread,“thefearful,theunbelieving,&c.,shallhavetheirpartinthelakewhichburnethwithfireand

brimstone,whichistheseconddeath.”Henceforward,IknewwhatfateSt.Johnfearedforme.

Acalm,subduedtriumph,blentwithalongingearnestness,markedhisenunciationofthelastgloriousversesofthatchapter.ThereaderbelievedhisnamewasalreadywrittenintheLamb’sbookoflife,andheyearnedafterthehourwhichshouldadmithimtothecitytowhichthekingsoftheearthbringtheirgloryandhonour;whichhasnoneedofsunormoontoshineinit,becausethegloryofGodlightensit,andtheLambisthelightthereof.

Intheprayerfollowingthechapter,allhisenergygathered—allhissternzealwoke:hewasindeepearnest,wrestlingwithGod,andresolvedonaconquest.Hesupplicatedstrengthfortheweak-hearted;guidanceforwanderersfromthefold:areturn,evenattheeleventhhour,forthosewhomthetemptationsoftheworldandthefleshwereluringfromthenarrowpath.Heasked,heurged,heclaimedtheboonofabrandsnatchedfromtheburning.Earnestnessiseverdeeplysolemn:first,asIlistenedtothatprayer,Iwonderedathis;then,whenitcontinuedandrose,Iwastouchedbyit,andatlastawed.Hefeltthegreatnessandgoodnessofhispurposesosincerely:

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otherswhoheardhimpleadforit,couldnotbutfeelittoo.

Theprayerover,wetookleaveofhim:hewastogoataveryearlyhourinthemorning.DianaandMaryhavingkissedhim,lefttheroom—incompliance,Ithink,withawhisperedhintfromhim:Itenderedmyhand,andwishedhimapleasantjourney.

“Thankyou,Jane.AsIsaid,IshallreturnfromCambridgeinafortnight:thatspace,then,isyetleftyouforreflection.IfIlistenedtohumanpride,Ishouldsaynomoretoyouofmarriagewithme;butIlistentomyduty,andkeepsteadilyinviewmyfirstaim—todoallthingstothegloryofGod.MyMasterwaslong-suffering:sowillIbe.Icannotgiveyouuptoperditionasavesselofwrath:repent—resolve,whilethereisyettime.Remember,wearebidtoworkwhileitisday—warnedthat‘thenightcomethwhennomanshallwork.’RememberthefateofDives,whohadhisgoodthingsinthislife.Godgiveyoustrengthtochoosethatbetterpartwhichshallnotbetakenfromyou!”

Helaidhishandonmyheadasheutteredthelastwords.Hehadspokenearnestly,mildly:hislookwasnot,indeed,thatofaloverbeholdinghismistress,butitwasthatofapastorrecallinghiswanderingsheep—orbetter,ofaguardianangelwatchingthesoulforwhichheisresponsible.Allmenoftalent,whethertheybemenoffeelingornot;whethertheybezealots,oraspirants,ordespots—providedonlytheybesincere—havetheirsublimemoments,whentheysubdueand

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rule.IfeltvenerationforSt.John—venerationsostrongthatitsimpetusthrustmeatoncetothepointIhadsolongshunned.Iwastemptedtoceasestrugglingwithhim—torushdownthetorrentofhiswillintothegulfofhisexistence,andtherelosemyown.IwasalmostashardbesetbyhimnowasIhadbeenoncebefore,inadifferentway,byanother.Iwasafoolbothtimes.Tohaveyieldedthenwouldhavebeenanerrorofprinciple;tohaveyieldednowwouldhavebeenanerrorofjudgment.SoIthinkatthishour,whenIlookbacktothecrisisthroughthequietmediumoftime:Iwasunconsciousoffollyattheinstant.

Istoodmotionlessundermyhierophant’stouch.Myrefusalswereforgotten—myfearsovercome—mywrestlingsparalysed.TheImpossible—I.E.,mymarriagewithSt.John—wasfastbecomingthePossible.Allwaschangingutterlywithasuddensweep.Religioncalled—Angelsbeckoned—Godcommanded—liferolledtogetherlikeascroll—death’sgatesopening,showedeternitybeyond:itseemed,thatforsafetyandblissthere,allheremightbesacrificedinasecond.Thedimroomwasfullofvisions.

“Couldyoudecidenow?”askedthemissionary.Theinquirywasputingentletones:hedrewmetohimasgently.Oh,thatgentleness!howfarmorepotentisitthanforce!IcouldresistSt.John’swrath:Igrewpliantasareedunderhiskindness.YetIknewallthetime,ifIyieldednow,Ishouldnotthelessbemadetorepent,someday,ofmyformerrebellion.Hisnaturewasnot

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changedbyonehourofsolemnprayer:itwasonlyelevated.“IcoulddecideifIwerebutcertain,”Ianswered:“wereIbutconvincedthatitisGod’swillIshouldmarryyou,Icouldvowtomarryyouhereandnow—comeafterwardswhatwould!”“Myprayersareheard!”ejaculatedSt.John.Hepressedhishandfirmeronmyhead,asifheclaimedme:hesurroundedmewithhisarm,ALMOSTasifhelovedme(IsayALMOST—Iknewthedifference—forIhadfeltwhatitwastobeloved;but,likehim,Ihadnowputloveoutofthequestion,andthoughtonlyofduty).Icontendedwithmyinwarddimnessofvision,beforewhichcloudsyetrolled.Isincerely,deeply,ferventlylongedtodowhatwasright;andonlythat.“Showme,showmethepath!”IentreatedofHeaven.IwasexcitedmorethanIhadeverbeen;andwhetherwhatfollowedwastheeffectofexcitementthereadershalljudge.Allthehousewasstill;forIbelieveall,exceptSt.Johnandmyself,werenowretiredtorest.Theonecandle

wasdyingout:thero