兒童英文小笑話.doc

.Dont bother me 別煩我One day a kind man met a panicky little boy in his neighbor-hood when he was going home from his office.He noticed that the boy seemed to have fought with other boys. He kindly said: Why do you have a black eye, little man? I am sorry to see that?Unexpectedly the boy replied angrily: Dont bother me. You go home to feel sorry for your own little boy-he has got two!有一天一個好心的人下班回家時，在他居住的小區(qū)里碰到一個神色慌張的小男孩。他注意到這個孩子像是剛和別的孩子打過架，就親切的對他說：“小家伙，你怎么會有個黑眼眶呀？看到你這樣，我很為你難過？”不料這個小男孩竟然氣沖沖地回答說：“別煩我。你回家去為你自己的小男孩難過吧。他有兩個黑眼眶。”Naive reasoning 天真的推理A man was telling a story to his son, a four-year-old boy. The boy noticed a lock of gray hair on his fathers head and asked: Why are some of your gray, papa?Papa will get a gray hair every time his little boy is naughty, said his father, thinking to take the advantage of this opportunity to give him a moral lesson.The boy thought for a moment, and then naively said: Oh, I see why my grandpapa has a lot of gray hair on his head. I think he must have had very naughty boys.有個人給他的兒子，一個4歲的男孩講故事。小男孩注意到他父親的頭上有一縷白發(fā)，就問道：“爸爸，你的頭發(fā)怎么是白的？”他的父親想趁機(jī)給他上一堂教育課，就回答說：“爸爸的小男孩每頑皮一次，爸爸頭上就會長出一根白頭發(fā)?！毙∧泻⒊了剂艘幌?，就天真地說：“哦，我知道爺爺為什么有那么多白頭發(fā)了。我想他的兒子們一定也非常頑皮。”Can you eat any more 你還能吃嗎In Chemistry class, the teacher was explaining the relationship between solvent and solute: A certain solvent can only dissolve a certain solute. For example, you have eaten a bowl of rice, then one more bowl. After having eaten the third bowl, you have felt full to the throat. At this time, can you eat any more?One of the students asked: Is there any dish?化學(xué)課上老師講解溶劑與溶質(zhì)的關(guān)系：“一定的溶劑只能溶解一定的溶質(zhì)。比如說，你吃了一碗飯，又吃了一碗，第三碗吃下去已經(jīng)飽了，你還能吃下去嗎？”有個學(xué)生問：“還有菜嗎？”A garbage collector 垃圾收集工John was ten years old, and he was a very lazy boy.He had to go to school of course, but he was bored there and tried to do as little work as possible. His father and mother were both doctors and they hoped that he would become one, too, when he grew up, but one day Lohn said to his mother, When I finish school, I want to become a garbage collector.A garbage collector? his mother asked. She was very surprised. Thats not a very pleasant job. Why do you want to become a garbage collector?Because then Id only have to work one day a week, Lohn answered.Only one day a week? his mother said. What do you mean?Well, John answered, I know that the ones who come to our house only work on Wednesday, because I only see them on that day.約翰10歲了，是一個非常懶的男孩子。當(dāng)然他必須去上學(xué)，但他厭煩學(xué)校，并盡可能地少做功課。他父母親兩人都是醫(yī)生，他們兩人都希望當(dāng)他長大后也當(dāng)個醫(yī)生，但有一天，約翰對他母親說，“我上完學(xué)，我想當(dāng)個垃圾收集工。”“垃圾收集工？” 他母親問道。他母親非常吃驚?！澳强刹皇且患钊擞淇斓墓ぷ?。你為什么想當(dāng)一個垃圾收集工呢？”“因?yàn)榈綍r候我只需一周工作一天，” 約翰回答說?！耙恢苤还ぷ饕惶欤俊?他母親說?！澳闶鞘裁匆馑迹俊薄班?，” 約翰回答說，“我知道來我們家的那些人只在星期三上班，因?yàn)槲抑辉谛瞧谌匆娝麄?。”老鼠是什么樣子的Rodents had overrun a posh（時髦的） private school near New York City. So the headmaster, a friend of mine, asked a health inspector to deliver a slide presentation to teachers and students, showing how to remedy the situation, i.e. stow（裝載，收藏） trash, no food in class, etc.The following day, a teacher had her very young children write a letter to the inspector, thanking him for the visit. One of the students wrote, Dear Mr. Johnson, Thank you for coming to my school. Until I saw you, I didnt know what a rat looked like.嚙齒類動物在紐約市附近的一家時尚的私立學(xué)校泛濫成災(zāi)。 那家學(xué)校的校長（我的一個朋友） 請來了一位健康檢查員來給在校師生作一次幻燈演示，告訴他們?nèi)绾翁幚磉@種情況，如，要垃圾裝好，上課不能吃東西等等。第二天，一個老師讓她的那些年紀(jì)還非常小的學(xué)生給那位檢查員寫封信，感謝他的來訪。 其中一個學(xué)生這樣寫道，“親愛的約翰遜先生， 感謝您來到我的學(xué)校。在看到你之前，我還不知道老鼠長的什么樣子。”。The teachers pest 老師的調(diào)皮學(xué)生It is June. The sun is in the sky, it is immense hot.Josie is bored with school. She prefers to be at the beach with the tide.She cannot sit in her seat. She cannot stop talking.While the teacher writes on the board, Josie gets up and talks to one of her intimate friends. The teacher, Mr. Rolla, hears the noise and says. Josie, sit down and be quiet. Josie sits down. Mr. Rolla continues with the lessons. Josie gets up and talks to another friend. Sit down and be quiet. Says Mr. Rolla. He is very annoyed with her. Josie continues talking.O.K. Mr. Rolla gets furious. If you want to talk. Then come to the front of the classroom and be the teacher.All right, agrees Josie. She comes to the front of the classroom and says, Quiet, everyone. I am a new teacher, and I say class dismissed.六月，太陽高掛天空，天氣非常炎熱。朱絲對上課很厭煩，她更想在海灘觀看潮起潮落。她在座位上坐不住，不停地講話。當(dāng)老師在黑板上寫字時，朱絲站起來和一個朋友說話，瑞拉老師聽到了，就說：“朱絲，坐下，安靜點(diǎn)。”朱絲坐下來，老師繼續(xù)講課，朱絲又站起來和另一個朋友說話?！白?，安靜點(diǎn)?！笨墒侵旖z又站起來說話，他生氣了?！叭绻阆胝f話，到教師前面來說話吧，你當(dāng)老師吧?！崩蠋煈嵟卣f?！昂玫?，”朱絲說。她走到教室前說：“安靜點(diǎn)，同學(xué)們，我是新老師，現(xiàn)在下課?！蔽以诘任业拿貢鳲ne day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition - if I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.I am waiting for my secretary, was the boys answer.一天課上，老師要同學(xué)們以“如果我是一個經(jīng)理”為題寫一篇作文。所有的學(xué)生都在動筆寫了，只有一個男生例外。老師走過去問他為什么不寫?！拔以诘任业拿貢?。那孩子答道。爸爸不高興It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. Hey Willis! the farmer yelled, Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then Ill help you get the wagon up. Thats mighty nice of you, Willis answered, but I dont think Pa would like me to. Aw, come on, the farmer insisted. Well okay, the boy finally agreed, and added, but Pa wont like it. After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. Dont be foolish, the neighbor said with a smile, by the way, where is he? Under the wagon.一個農(nóng)家小孩好像意外打翻了一車玉米，住在附近的一個農(nóng)夫聽見了，喊道：“威利斯，先放那吧。過來和我們呆會兒，一會兒我?guī)湍惴銎饋怼！薄疤昧恕保勾鸬?，“但是爸爸會不高興的?！薄鞍パ?，快來吧”，農(nóng)夫仍然在堅(jiān)持?！昂冒伞?，小男孩終于點(diǎn)頭答應(yīng)了，“但是爸爸真的會不高興。”一頓豐盛的晚餐之后，威利斯向農(nóng)夫表示感謝：“我覺得好多了，但是爸爸肯定很不高興。”“別傻了”，農(nóng)夫笑著說，“哦，對了，你爸爸在哪了？”“車底下?！盜 you shePeter was a clever boy. On his first day at school, he learned three words: I, You and She. The teacher taught him how to make sentences with those words. The teacher said, I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student.When Peter went home, his father asked him what he had learned at school. Peter said at once, I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to his mother) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student. His father got angry and said, I, I am your father; (then pointing to his wife) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son.The next morning at school, the teacher asked Peter if he had learned the three words by heart. Yes, he said proudly, I, I am your father; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son.彼得是個聰明的孩子。在學(xué)校的第一天，他學(xué)了三個詞：我，你，她。老師教他如何用這三個詞造句子。老師說：我，我是你的老師；（然后指著一個女孩）她，她是你的同學(xué)；你，你是我的學(xué)生。彼得回到家里，爸爸問他學(xué)了什么。彼得馬上說：我，我是你的老師；（然后指著他的媽媽）她，她是你的同學(xué)；你，你是我的學(xué)生。他的爸爸聽了非常生氣，說：我，我是你的爸爸；（然后指著他的妻子）她，她是你的媽媽；你，你是我的兒子。第二天，老師問彼得是否用心學(xué)那三個詞了。是的，彼得自豪地說，我，我是你的爸爸；（然后指著一個女孩）她，她是你的媽媽；你，你是我的兒子。CryTom, whats the matter with your brother? asked the mother in the kitchen. Hes crying.Oh, nothing, Mum, replied Tom. Im eating my cake. He is crying because I wont give him any.But has he finished his own cake?Yes. said Tom. And he also cried when I was helping him finish that.湯姆，你弟弟怎么了？ 媽媽在廚房里問。他在哭。沒事兒，媽媽， 湯姆答道。我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因?yàn)槲也唤o他吃。他已經(jīng)吃完自己的了么？是的。 我?guī)退酝陼r，他也哭了。The kitchen is so dark 廚房里太黑了After supper, the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests. At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV, Honey, go see if the kitchen light is on or not? After a while, her son returned and said, Ma, the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all.晚飯后，父親和母親都忙著和客人玩麻將，這時母親忽然想起點(diǎn)兒事來，便對正在看電視的兒子說道：“寶貝，去看看廚房里的燈是不是還開著呢？” 過了一會兒，兒子回來說：“媽，廚房里太黑了，我根本就看不見?！盚e Won 他贏了Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.Tommy: Thats too bad. How did that happen?Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠(yuǎn)，他贏了。 Nest and Hair 鳥窩與頭發(fā)My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.What kind of bird? my sister asked.I didnt see the bird, maam, only the nest, replied the child.Then, can you give us a description of the nest? my sister encouraged her.Well, maam, it just resembles your hair.我姐姐是一位小學(xué)老師。一次一個學(xué)生告訴她說一只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩?！笆鞘裁带B呢？”我姐姐問她?！拔覜]看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。”那孩子回答說?！澳敲矗隳芙o我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵她道。“哦，老師，就像你的頭發(fā)一樣?！盡icro-parents forum 微型家長座談會Son: Dad, are you available on Friday afternoon?Dad: What ah?Son: The school want parents to have a mini-parents forum!Dad: What is micro-parents forum?Son: Its only a class teacher, you and I participate in!兒子：“爸爸，星期五下午您有空嗎？”爸爸：“什么事??？”兒子：“學(xué)校要開微型家長座談會！”爸爸：“什么叫微型家長座談會？”兒子：“就是只有班主任，你和我參加！”媽媽在砸瓶子A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup（番茄醬） to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. The child said, Mommy cant come to the phone right now. Shes hitting the bottle.一個婦人正在使勁打開番茄醬的瓶子。這時，電話鈴響了，她叫四歲的女兒去接電話。小孩說：“媽媽現(xiàn)在不能接電話，她在砸瓶子?！盇 letter to God 寫給上帝的信A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.有個小男孩非常需要50美元，他為此禱告了數(shù)周但是什么也沒發(fā)生。后來，他決定寫封信向上帝索要這50美元。郵局接到這封信，想了想覺得還是應(yīng)該交給總統(tǒng)比較好?？偨y(tǒng)被逗笑了，于是指示秘書寄給小男孩5美元，因?yàn)樗X得5美元對于一個小孩來講已經(jīng)是不少了。小男孩收到了錢很高興，給上帝回了一封感謝信，信里寫道：尊敬的上帝，非常感謝你把錢寄給我。然而，我發(fā)現(xiàn)這些錢是通過白宮寄出的，因此，和往常一樣，那幫家伙收了我45美元的稅。Saving Money 省錢A man told his son to take a letter to the post office, buy a three-cent stamp and mail it.After a while his son returned. The man asked him, Did you mail the letter?His son replied, Certainly, and I have saved the three cents. I saw many people dropping letters in a box, so when nobody was looking, I dropped mine in too.有個人叫他的兒子拿一封信到郵局去買一張三分錢的郵票把它寄出去。過了一會兒他的兒子回來了，他問兒子：“信寄了嗎？”兒子回答說：“當(dāng)然寄了，我還省了三分錢哩。我看到很多人把信投進(jìn)了一個箱子，我就趁沒人的時候把我的也投進(jìn)去了。”Stupid Orders 愚蠢的命令When Nasreddin was a boy, he never did what he was told, so his father always told him to do the opposite of what he wanted him to do.One day, when the two were bringing sacks of flour home on their donkeys, they had to cross a shallow river. When they were in the middle of it, one of the sacks on Nasreddins donkey began to slip, so his father said, That sack is nearly in the water! Press down hard on it!His father of course expected that he would do the opposite, but this time Nasreddin did what his father had told him to do. He pressed down on the sack and it went under water. Of course, the flour was lost.What have you done, Nasreddin, his father shouted angrily. Well, father, said Nasreddin. This time I thought that I would do just what you told me to show you how stupid your orders always are.當(dāng)納斯雷金還是個孩子時，從來不按照別人所說的去做。所以他爸爸想要他去做某事時，常叫他做相反的事。一天，父子倆用毛驢馱著幾袋面粉往家走，路上必須經(jīng)過一條不深的小河。父子倆走到河中心時，納斯雷金牽的那頭毛驢上有一袋面粉開始往下滑了。他爸爸說：“那個袋子快掉進(jìn)水里了，使勁往下按！”他爸爸當(dāng)然是希望他象以往一樣，干和他所說的相反的事?？蛇@次納斯雷金卻按照他爸爸所說的去做了。他使勁一按，袋子沉進(jìn)水里了。當(dāng)然，這袋面也沒有了。他爸爸憤怒地喊道：“你干的什么事！” 納斯雷金說：“嗯，爸爸，這次我想按你所要求的去做，好證明你以往的命令是多么的愚蠢?！盜 want a nightmare 真想做個噩夢Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, Mom, I had a dream last night that Id passed todays exam.Dont trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite. Mother replied.Then I do hope Ill fail the other subjects in my dream tonight, Tom said.在期末考試之前，湯姆告訴他的母親：“媽媽，我昨天晚上做了一個夢，夢見我通過了今天的考試?！薄安灰嘈艍簦H愛的。據(jù)說夢中的經(jīng)歷通常與現(xiàn)實(shí)相反?！眿寢尨鸬??！澳敲?，我真希望在今晚的夢中，我的其他功課都不及格?！睖氛f。When was Rome builtTeacher: When was Rome built?Tom: At night.Teacher: Who told you that?Tom: You did. You said Rome wasnt built in a day.Water your flowers every dayFlowers need water, said the teacher. Water your flowers every day, or theyll die.One morning Mother saw Marry out in the garden and asked, What are you doing there, Marry?Watering flowers, said Marry.But it is raining now!Oh, it doesnt matter. Mum.“花需要水，” 老師說，“每天給花澆水，否則他們會死掉的”。一天早上，母親看到瑪麗在花園，就問：“瑪麗，你在干嗎？”“ 我在給花澆水?！爆旣惢卮稹！翱墒窃谙掠臧?！”“哦，沒事媽媽?！盌ont argue with the childrenA little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.The little girl said, Well, when I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.The teacher asked, sarcastically, What if Jonah went to Hell?The little girl replied, Then you ask him.一個小女孩和她的老師在說鯨魚。老師說，鯨魚不可能吞了一個人，因?yàn)?，即使這是一個非常大的哺乳動物，它的喉嚨是非常小。小女孩說，約拿被一條鯨魚吞噬。老師惱火的重申鯨魚不能吞下一個人身體是不可能的。小女孩說， 好吧，當(dāng)我到達(dá)天堂，我會問約拿 。老師問，反譏道： 什么，如果約拿到地獄呢 ？小女孩回答說： 那你問他 。A Rithmetic LessonA little boy bustled（喧鬧，忙亂） into a grocery one day with a memorandum（便箋） in his hand.Hello, Mr. Smith,He said, I want thirteen pounds of coffee at 33 cents.Very good, said the grocer, and he noted down the sale.Anything else, Charlie?Yes. Twentyseven pounds of sugar at 9 cents.The loaf? And whatelse?Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 30 cents.That will be a good brand. Goon.Five pounds of tea at 90 cents, eleven and a half quarts of molasses at 8 cents a pint, two eightpound hams at 31 cents, and five dozen jars of pickled walnuts（核桃） at 34 cents a jar.The grocer made out the bill.Its a big order, he said. Did your mother tell you to pay for it？My mother, said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and accurate bill, has nothing to do with this business. It is my arithmetic（算術(shù)） lesson and I had to get it done somehow.一天，一個小男孩匆匆忙忙地走進(jìn)了一家雜貨店，手里拿著一張清單?！笆访芩瓜壬?，你好，”他說道：“3毛3分錢一磅的咖啡，請給我13磅?！薄昂玫?，”雜貨店老板馬上把這筆生意記了下來?！斑€要別的什么，查理？”“要的。再要27磅糖，9分錢一磅的?！薄懊姘灰?？還要什么？”“7磅半咸肉，3毛錢一磅的。”“這肉是名牌的呢，還有呢？”“9毛錢一磅的茶葉，給我5磅，8分錢一品脫的糖漿要11夸脫半，3毛1分錢一磅的8磅的大火腿要兩只，3毛4分錢一罐的腌核桃要5打。”雜貨店老板把賬單算了出來?！澳阗I了很多東西，”他說：“你媽媽叫你現(xiàn)在把錢付清嗎？”小男孩一面把那清楚準(zhǔn)確的賬單放進(jìn)口袋，一面說：“這和我媽沒關(guān)系，這是我自己的算術(shù)作業(yè),我總得想辦法把它做出來！”Goes to the cinemaA boy goes to the cinema. He buys a ticket and goes in. But after two or three minutes he comes out. He buys a second ticket and goes in again. After a few minutes he comes out again and buys a third ticket. Two or three minutes after that he comes out a third time and asks for another ticket. The ticket seller says to him, Why are you buying all these? Are you meeting friends in the cinema all the time? No, Im not doing that. The small man says, But a big woman always stops me at the door and tears m