史鐵生·《我與地壇》（節(jié)選）中英互譯

我在好幾篇小說中都提到過一座廢棄的古園，實(shí)際就是地壇。許多年前旅游業(yè)還沒有開展，園子荒蕪冷落得如同一片野地，很少被人記起。Inanumberofmystories,I’vereferredtoanantiquatedpark:infact,thisistheTempleofEarthPark.Someyearsago,beforetourismhaddevelopedmuch,itwasasdesolateandneglectedasawasteland.Peopleseldomgaveitathought.地壇離我家很近?；蛘哒f我家離地壇很近。總之，只好認(rèn)為這是緣分。地壇在我出生前四百多年就坐落在那兒了，而自從我的祖母年輕時(shí)帶著我父親來到北京，就一直住在離它不遠(yuǎn)的地方——五十多年間搬過幾次家，可搬來搬去總是在它周圍，而且是越搬離它越近了。我常覺得這中間有著宿命的味道：仿佛這古園就是為了等我，而歷盡滄桑在那兒等待了四百多年。TheTempleofEarthwasn’tfarfrommyhome,orperhapsit’sbettertosaymyhomewasn’tfarfromit.Allinall,IfeltIwasrelatedtoitbyfate.Ithadreposedthereforfourhundredyearsbeforemybirth,andeversince,whenmygrandmotherwasayoungwoman,shehadtakenmyfathertoliveinBeijing,myfamilyhadlivednearit:inmorethanfiftyyears,myfamilyhadmovedseveraltimes,butalwaystoaplaceinitsvicinity.Eachtime,wemovedclosertoit.Ioftenfeltthiswassomethingforeordained—asifthisoldparkwerewaitingespeciallyforme:itseemedithadbeenwaitingforfourhundredyears—throughallthetumultuouschangesofthosecenturies.它等待我出生，然后又等待我活到最狂妄的年齡上忽地殘廢了雙腿。四百多年里，它剝蝕了古殿檐頭浮夸的琉璃，淡褪了門壁上炫耀的朱紅，坍圮了一段段高墻又散落了玉砌雕欄，祭壇四周的老柏樹愈見蒼幽，到處的野草荒藤也都茂盛得自在坦蕩。這時(shí)候想必我是該來了。十五年前的一個下午，我搖著輪椅進(jìn)入園中，它為一個失魂落魄的人把一切都準(zhǔn)備好了。那時(shí)，太陽循著亙古不變的路途正越來越大，也越紅。在滿園彌漫的沉靜光芒中，一個人更容易看到時(shí)間，并看見自己的身影。Ithadwaitedformetobeborn,andthenithadwaitedformetobesuddenlycrippledinbothlegsduringmywildlyambitiousyouth.Inthosefourhundredyears,ithadbeendenudedofthecoloredglazesontheeavesofitsoldtemple,thegloriousvermilionofitsgatesandwallshadfaded,thehighwallshadcollapsed,piecesofjadeinlaidintothepillarshadloosenedandscattered,yetolddarkgreencypresstreessurroundingthealtarhadbecomemoreandmoreserene,andeverywhere,weedsandvinesflourishedwithabandon.Itwasabouttherighttimeformetocomehere.Whentheparkwasfinallyreadyforme—amanatlooseends—Imaneuveredmywheelchairintotheparkforthefirsttime.Thesun—onitsancient,unchangedpath—wasjustgrowingbigger,andredder.Inthestillraysoflightsuffusingthepark,itwaseasyforapersontoseethetime,andeasytoseehisownshadow.自從那個下午我無意中進(jìn)了這園子，就再沒長久地離開過它。我一下子就理解了它的意圖。正如我在一篇小說中所說的：“在人口密聚的城市里，有這樣一個寧靜的去處，像是上帝的苦心安排?！盉eginningwiththatafternoonwhenIhappenedtogotothispark,I’veneverbeenawayfromitforlong.Iunderstoodatoncewhyitwasthere.AsIsaidinonestory,“Inadenselypopulatedcity,it’sasifGodpainstakinglyarrangedforaplaceassereneasthis.”兩條腿殘廢后的最初幾年，我找不到工作，找不到去路，忽然間幾乎什么都找不到了，我就搖了輪椅總是到它那兒去，僅為著那兒是可以逃避一個世界的另一個世界。我在那篇小說中寫道：“沒處可去我便一天到晚耗在這園子里。跟上班下班一樣，別人去上班我就搖了輪椅到這兒來。園子無人看管，上下班時(shí)間有些抄近路的人們從園中穿過，園子里活躍一陣，過后便沉寂下來?！薄皥@墻在金晃晃的空氣中斜切下一溜蔭涼，我把輪椅開進(jìn)去，把椅背放倒，坐著或是躺著，看書或者想事，撅一杈樹枝左右拍打，驅(qū)趕那些和我一樣不明白為什么要來這世上的小昆蟲?！薄胺鋬喝缫欢湫§F穩(wěn)穩(wěn)地停在半空；螞蟻搖頭晃腦捋著觸須，猛然間想透了什么，轉(zhuǎn)身疾行而去；瓢蟲爬得不耐煩了，累了祈禱一回便支開翅膀，忽悠一下升空了；樹干上留著一只蟬蛻，寂寞如一間空屋；露水在草葉上滾動，聚集，壓彎了草葉轟然墜地摔開萬道金光。”“滿園子都是草木競相生長弄出的響動，窸窸窣窣片刻不息?！边@都是真實(shí)的記錄，園子荒蕪但并不衰敗。ThefirstfewyearsafterIwascrippled,Icouldn’tfindwork:Ihadnofuture;allofasudden,itwasalmostasthoughIcouldn’tfindanything.AndsoIwheeledmyselftotheparkalmosteveryday:itwasanotherworld,onewhereIcouldescapethisworld.Iwroteinonestory,“Withnoplacetogo,Iusedtospendthewholedayintheparkeveryday:otherpeoplewenttowork;Iwenttothepark.Itwasanabandonedpark.Whenitwastimetogotoworkortimetogohome,peopletookshortcutsthroughthepark,anditbecameanimatedforawhile.Afterwards,itwasstill.”“Inthedazzlinggoldensunlight,thepark’swallprovidedshade:Iwheeledmyselfoverthere,putthebackofthewheelchairdown,and—eithersittingorlyingdown—Ireadorthought.Iwouldbreakoffacypresstwiganddriveawaytheinsectswhodidn’tknowanybetterthanIdidwhytheyhadbeenborninthisworld.”“Abeelikeatinypieceofmisthungoninmidair;anantwasdeepinthought,itsheadwagginganditsantennaequivering,andthen,allofasudden,itmusthavecomeupwiththerightanswer,foritturnedbackandscuddedoff;theladybugclimbedaroundwearily,stoppedtoprayforawhile,andthen,flappingitswings,suddenlysoaredtothesky;onthetreetrunktherewasonecicada,aslonelyasanemptyroom;dewrolledaroundontheleavesofweeds,andthencoalesced,weighingtheleavesdownuntiltheybrokeintothousandsofraysofgoldenlight.”“Thewholeparkwasastirwiththesoundofweeds,bushes,andtreesgrowing,allshatteringceaselessly.”Thiswasalltrue:theparkwasawasteland,butfarfromgoingdownhill.除去幾座殿堂我無法進(jìn)去，除去那座祭壇我不能上去而只能從各個角度張望它，地壇的每一棵樹下我都去過，差不多它的每一米草地上都有過我的車輪印。無論是什么季節(jié)，什么天氣，什么時(shí)間，我都在這園子里呆過。有時(shí)候呆一會兒就回家，有時(shí)候就呆到滿地上都亮起月光。記不清都是在它的哪些角落里了，我一連幾小時(shí)專心致志地想關(guān)于死的事，也以同樣的耐心和方式想過我為什么要出生。這樣想了好幾年，最后事情終于弄明白了：一個人，出生了，這就不再是一個可以辯論的問題，而只是上帝交給他的一個事實(shí)；上帝在交給我們這件事實(shí)的時(shí)候，已經(jīng)順便保證了它的結(jié)果，所以死是一件不必急于求成的事，死是一個必然會降臨的節(jié)日。這樣想過之后我安心多了，眼前的一切不再那么可怕。比如你起早熬夜準(zhǔn)備考試的時(shí)候，忽然想起有一個長長的假期在前面等待你，你會不會覺得輕松一點(diǎn)？并且慶幸并且感激這樣的安排？AsidefromsomebuildingsthatIhadnowaytoenter,asidefromthealtarthatIhadnowaytoreachbutcouldonlygazeatfromeverypossiblevantagepoint,Ihadbeenundereverytreeinthepark,andmychair’swheel-printswereleftonalmosteverymeterofgrass.Ihadspenttimeinthisparkinallseasons,allkindsofweather,andalltimesoftheday.Sometimes,Istayedonlyashorttimeandthenwenthome;sometimes,Istayeduntiltheentiregroundwasalightwithmoonbeams.Idon’trememberwhichcornersoftheparkIwasinthen.Forseveralhoursinarow,Iwastotallyabsorbedinthinkingaboutdeath,andjustaspatiently,IponderedwhyIhadtobeborn.ThiskindofthinkingwentonforquiteafewyearsuntilIfinallyunderstood:aperson’sbirthisn’taquestionfordebate,butistherealityhandedtohimbyGod.WhenGodhandsusthisreality,hehasalreadyincidentallyassureditsend,sodeathissomethingoneneedn’tbeanxioustobringabout;deathisafestivalthatissuretobefallyou.Afterthinkingthisthrough,Ifeltgreatlyrelieved:nothingwouldeverbesofrighteningagain.Letmeputitthisway:justthink,whenyougetupearlyandstayuplatepreparingforanexam,andsuddenlyitoccurstoyouthat—justahead—alongvacationiswaitingforyou,don’tyoufeelalittlebetter?Andaren’tyouhappyandgratefulforthisarrangement?剩下的就是怎樣活的問題了，這卻不是在某一個瞬間就能完全想透的、不是一次性能夠解決的事，怕是活多久就要想它多久了，就像是伴你終生的魔鬼或戀人。所以，十五年了，我還是總得到那古園里去，去它的老樹下或荒草邊或頹墻旁，去默坐，去呆想，去推開耳邊的嘈雜理一理紛亂的思緒，去窺看自己的心魂。十五年中，這古園的形體被不能理解它的人肆意雕琢，幸好有些東西是任誰也不能改變它的。譬如祭壇石門中的落日，寂靜的光輝平鋪的一刻，地上的每一個坎坷都被映照得燦爛；譬如在園中最為落寞的時(shí)間，一群雨燕便出來高歌，把天地都叫喊得蒼涼；譬如冬天雪地上孩子的腳印，總讓人猜想他們是誰，曾在哪兒做過些什么、然后又都到哪兒去了；譬如那些蒼黑的古柏，你憂郁的時(shí)候它們鎮(zhèn)靜地站在那兒，你欣喜的時(shí)候它們依然鎮(zhèn)靜地站在那兒，它們沒日沒夜地站在那兒，從你沒有出生一直站到這個世界上又沒了你的時(shí)候；譬如暴雨驟臨園中，激起一陣陣灼烈而清純的草木和泥土的氣味，讓人想起無數(shù)個夏天的事件；譬如秋風(fēng)忽至，再有一場早霜，落葉或飄搖歌舞或坦然安臥，滿園中播散著熨帖而微苦的味道。味道是最說不清楚的，味道不能寫只能聞，要你身臨其境去聞才能明了。味道甚至是難于記憶的，只有你又聞到它你才能記起它的全部情感和意蘊(yùn)。所以我常常要到那園子里去。Allthat’sleftisthequestionofhowtolive,butthisisnotsomethingyoucanthinkthroughinaninstant,notsomethingthatyoucansolveonceandforall:youhavetothinkaboutityourwholelife,howeverlongthatis.It’sademonoraloverwhoisyourlifelongcompanion.Andso,forfifteenyears,Ihadtogotothisoldpark,goundertheoldtreesornexttotheneglectedweedsorbesidethedilapidatedwalls,sitinsilenceorthinkblankly,breakthroughthefeelingsofchaoticdisarraythatwereallaroundme,andpeepatmysoul.Infifteenyears,peoplewhodidn’tunderstandthisoldparkhadwantonlyalteredsomeofitsdesignandstructure.Fortunately,thereweresomethingsthatnoonecouldchangeaboutit—forexample,whenthesettingsunmovestothespotinsidethestonearchofthealtar,itsraysspreadacrossthegroundandeachroughspotonthegroundisresplendentinthesunshine;orattheloneliesttimeinthepark,aflockofswallowscomesoutandsings,theirdesolatesongfillingthespacebetweenheavenandearth;orthefootprintschildrenmakeinthesnowinthewintertime,alwaysleadingpeopletowonderwhotheyare,whattheyaredoingthere,andwheretheyaregoing;forexa