讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)：闖禍的綠茵少年講義-高考英語(yǔ)作文備考

閱讀下面材料，根據(jù)其內(nèi)容和所給段落開(kāi)頭語(yǔ)續(xù)寫(xiě)兩段，使之構(gòu)成一篇完整的短文。Lionel,FandiandIskandaroftengottogethertoplayfootball.Theydreamtofonedaygrowinguptobeprofessionalfootballers.Theemptyfieldbesidetheblockofneighborhoodwaswheretheywouldmeetfortheirfootballsessions.Onesunnyafternoon,theywereatthefieldasusual.TheywereinthethickoftheirgamewhenFandiaimedhisfootattheballandgaveaforcefulkick.Hehimselfwassurprisedbyhisstrength.Theballflewpastthegoalpostsbreakingintoaglasswindowofthehousebehind.Theboysweretooshockedforwords.Theywerehalfexpectingtheannoyedhomeowner,MadamLeong,tostormoutthroughthefrontdoorandgivethemagoodtonguecriticizing.Theyknewshewasan川-temperedoldlady.Actually,shehadscoldedthemseveraltimesbeforeforbeingtoonoisy.Whennoonecameoutofthehouseaftertenminutes,theboyswerequitesurprised.TheyhadpreparedthemselvesforascoldingandwerereadytocompensateMadamLoongforbreakingherwindow.Outofcuriosity,FandiadventuredintoMadamLeong'syard.Thegatewasunlockedandhewentinwhiletheothertwowaitedoutside.Fandiknockedonthemaindoor.Noreply.Lookinginthroughthebrokenwindow,Fandiletoutaloudscream.Lyingonthefloorinapoolofbloodwastheoldlady.Therewasabigcutonherforehead.Shemusthavebeencutbypiecesofglass,flyingacrossthelivingroom.Inpanic,Fandiimmediatelydialed995foranambulance.Astheywereunabletoenterthehousewithoutakey,therewasnothingtheycoulddobutwaitfortheambulancetoarrive.Althoughtheambulancearrivedsoon,totheboys,theannoyingwaitseemedlikeforever.TheambulanceattendantsforcedopenthedoorandrushedtoMadamLeong.Shewasunconscious,butstillbreathing.Oneoftheambulanceattendantsappliedpressureonthewoundandwrappedit.Withitsemergencylightsflashing,theambulancerushedofftothenearesthospital.Para1:ThreeboysdecidedtostaybehindtowaitforMadamLeong'sfamilytoreturn.Para2:Toeveryone'srelief,MadamLeongreceivedimmediatetreatment.Para1情節(jié)走向:第一段劇情設(shè)計(jì)應(yīng)當(dāng)根據(jù)首段提示語(yǔ)和第二段提示語(yǔ)決定起點(diǎn)和終點(diǎn)。起點(diǎn)從孩子們等待MadamLeong的家人開(kāi)始，后面可以描寫(xiě)等待過(guò)程，然后到等到對(duì)象，一起去醫(yī)院結(jié)束，銜接了解到MadamLeong沒(méi)事兒。Paral每一句寫(xiě)作的分析。Withtheparamedicsgone,atormentingsilencetookcontrol.（環(huán)境描寫(xiě)總是為襯托情感服務(wù)的，如水中撈友中的thesettingsuncastingtwolongshadowsontheground,sidebyside.和林間精靈中的dazzlingbeadsonthegrassbouncingeverywhereinthesunlight.一般環(huán)境描寫(xiě)我不會(huì)明確"形容情感的"，而是盡可能直接地描述我想象中的畫(huà)面，讓讀者去解讀其中蘊(yùn)含的"情"。但本次兩句我選擇直接用形容詞去賦予環(huán)境"感染力"，讓讀者能透過(guò)環(huán)境解讀出人物投射的情感。比如救護(hù)車(chē)離開(kāi)，安靜回歸。但這寧?kù)o無(wú)法讓人凝神靜氣，而是折磨人的?？桃庥梅闯Ｒ?guī)的形容詞描述一種環(huán)境,營(yíng)造對(duì)比。Iskandarleanedagainstthegate,Lionelpacedthelawnanxiously,butFandisatmotionlessonthegrasswithhisheaddownasifburdenedbythoughts.此處設(shè)計(jì)了三個(gè)動(dòng)作，Iskandar倚著大門(mén)；Lionel在草坪上焦急踱步，牛津這樣解釋pace作動(dòng)詞的用法，towalkupanddowninasmallareamanytimes,especiallybecauseyouarefeelingnervousorangry,可以+sth作賓語(yǔ)；比起Lionel的動(dòng)，F(xiàn)andi一動(dòng)不動(dòng)坐在地上,頭好像被思緒壓彎。語(yǔ)言上，對(duì)"事故負(fù)責(zé)任”著重描寫(xiě)，且神態(tài)也以他最為沉重；asif虛擬語(yǔ)氣簡(jiǎn)化句作方式狀語(yǔ)，是續(xù)寫(xiě)青睞的句式。）Thesunmovedmercilesslywestwards.（描述時(shí)間流逝的方式有很多。原文在描寫(xiě)小男孩們等待救護(hù)車(chē)時(shí)這樣說(shuō)，Althoughtheambulancearrivedsoon,totheboys,theannoyingwaitseemedlikeforever.這里可以用環(huán)境去襯托。由于孩子們是焦急等待著，所以原文的sunnyafternoon,到這里就變了樣子。太陽(yáng)向西移動(dòng)，其形象不再是"明媚慵懶”,而是“無(wú)情"，襯托出孩子們每過(guò)一刻都很煎熬。）Suddenly,acardroveintolskandar.段首提示語(yǔ)所等待的家庭成員回來(lái)啦。.段首提示語(yǔ)所等待的家庭成員回來(lái)啦。2.Iskandar本身之前是倚在門(mén)邊，所以是他最先發(fā)現(xiàn)的。Suddenly,acardroveintolskandar.段首提示語(yǔ)所等待的家庭成員回來(lái)啦。2.Iskandar本身之前是倚在門(mén)邊，所以是他最先發(fā)現(xiàn)的。此處再次使用無(wú)靈主語(yǔ)句，增加句式豐富性。不是人看見(jiàn)車(chē)，而是車(chē)闖入人的視線。）MadamLeong'shusbandreturned.AfterIskandarannouncedthenews,theboysimmediatelyralliedaroundFandi.（Iskandar看車(chē)識(shí)人,迅速告訴伙伴們。這句話最精彩的表達(dá)是后半句.段首提示語(yǔ)所等待的家庭成員回來(lái)啦。2.Iskandar本身之前是倚在門(mén)邊，所以是他最先發(fā)現(xiàn)的。此處再次使用無(wú)靈主語(yǔ)句，增加句式豐富性。不是人看見(jiàn)車(chē)，而是車(chē)闖入人的視線。）MadamLeong'shusbandreturned.AfterIskandarannouncedthenews,theboysimmediatelyralliedaroundFandi.（Iskandar看車(chē)識(shí)人,迅速告訴伙伴們。這句話最精彩的表達(dá)是后半句theboysimmediatelyralliedaroundFandi,牛津這么解釋rallyaround,toworktogetherinordertohelpsbwhoisinadifficultorunpleasantsituation這個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的動(dòng)作體現(xiàn)出了小伙伴對(duì)Fandi的支持。）Jumpingup,Fandiranoutsidewiththeboysandtoldthesurprisedmanwhathadhappened.（Fandi從坐的狀態(tài)跳起，符合前文鋪墊，奔跑到外面告訴傷者丈夫發(fā)生了什么。此處一個(gè)surprised表明對(duì)方的訝異，避免贅述。）Shocked,MadamLeong'shusbanddashedintothehousethroughthebrokendoor,sawthepoolofthebloodandrushedbacktohiscar.（一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)化句，shocked,為后面的一系列行為提供了動(dòng)機(jī)。兩次伏筆的呼應(yīng)：乍然聽(tīng)到這樣的消息，且是三個(gè)小男孩，人都是覺(jué)得難以置信的。所以他跑到家里去確認(rèn)，結(jié)果眼見(jiàn)為實(shí)，又狂奔而出。兩個(gè)詞dash,rush體現(xiàn)了心理，而throughthebrokendoor,thepoolofblood則是環(huán)境匹配。）Together,theyspedtothehospital.（確認(rèn)事實(shí)后，一行迅速去了醫(yī)院。這樣就和后文得知MadamLeong受至I」及時(shí)救治做了銜接。Speed可以及物也可以不及物。如果想表達(dá)救護(hù)車(chē)緊急把病人送到醫(yī)院可以及物，theambulancespedthevictimtothehospital.此處因?yàn)槿俗髦髡Z(yǔ)，所以用了不及物動(dòng)詞用法。Speed是不規(guī)則動(dòng)詞，過(guò)去式和過(guò)去分詞有speeded/sped兩種。）Para2情節(jié)走向:因?yàn)楹⒆觽兪紫仁墙?jīng)常吵鬧，所以不怪MadamLeong會(huì)生氣。事實(shí)上，她生氣也只是她人物的一個(gè)側(cè)面，不能代表她的全部。我希望用第二段作人物形象刻畫(huà)，扭轉(zhuǎn)讀者對(duì)她的看法，構(gòu)成對(duì)比。Para2每一句分析WhentheboyssawMadamLeonglyingonthebedwithabandageonherforehead,theyfeltapangofremorseintheirhearts.（這里面刪減了孩子們和醫(yī)生的互動(dòng)。如醫(yī)生說(shuō)，shewasluckythatthesharddidn,tcuthereyeoranycriticalbloodvessels.直接讓孩子們一行走進(jìn)病房?？吹組adamLeong的頭上繞著繃帶，一陣懊悔涌上心頭。Apangofremorse的表達(dá)清新脫俗。比起asenseof或者awaveof,讓人眼前一亮。Approachinghertimidly,theysaidsorryforwhattheyhaddoneandpromisedtotakefullresponsibility.（簡(jiǎn)化句中的timidly勾勒人物心理是害怕的，符合原先對(duì)MadamLeong的人物刻畫(huà)。孩子們道歉和承諾負(fù)責(zé)符合邏輯。）Insteadofblamingthem,MadamLeongsmiledweaklyandacceptedtheirapology,sayingtheyweregoodboyswhomadeamistake.（但出人意料的是，MadamLeong沒(méi)有責(zé)備她們，而是頂著病痛，給了孩子們一個(gè)微笑，接受了他們的道歉，說(shuō)他們只是犯了錯(cuò)誤，但還是好孩子。）Decliningtheirofferpolitely,shealsoreminedthemtoplaysafeinthefuture.（這一句依然是對(duì)MadamLeong的人物刻畫(huà)。對(duì)于孩子們承諾負(fù)責(zé)，MadamLeong有禮地拒絕了，并提醒他們以后安全踢球。前后兩句話的人物刻畫(huà)，從站在孩子視角的嚴(yán)苛、壞脾氣，到病房里為孩子們考慮的慈愛(ài)、理解，一個(gè)具有人性復(fù)雜美、真善美的成人形象得到了重新樹(shù)立。是啊，站在孩子們的角度，有很多人都顯得嚴(yán)苛，甚至于發(fā)脾氣，或許上課時(shí)的我有時(shí)候也會(huì)給學(xué)生這樣的感受吧，所以我更不忍心讓MadamLeong一直被孩子們誤解和害怕，全力扭轉(zhuǎn)了她的形象，也算是我對(duì)這個(gè)角色的情感投射吧。）Hearingthat,theboysbecamespeechless,deeplymovedbyherimmensekindnessandforgiveness.（聽(tīng)到這番話，或許孩子們終于意識(shí)到，之所以先前會(huì)覺(jué)得MadamLeong脾氣壞，是因?yàn)殡p方建立聯(lián)系的情景造成的。這種認(rèn)知或許讓他們感激之余，也有羞愧。在這一刻，他們深深地沉浸于這種博大的溫和與寬厚，也終于真正地走近了MadamLeongo）參考答案：Para1:ThreeboysdecidedtostaybehindtowaitforMadamLeong'sfamilytoreturn.Withtheparamedicsgone,atormentingsilencetookcontrol.Iskandarleanedagainstthegate,Lionelpacedthelawnanxiously,butFandisatmotionlessonthegrasswithhisheaddownasifburdenedbythoughts.Thesunmovedmercilesslywestwards.Suddenly,acardroveintolskandarJssight.MadamLeong'shusbandreturned.AfterIskandarannouncedthenews,theboysimmediatelyralliedaroundFandi.Jumpingup,Fandiranoutsidewiththeboys,toldthesurprisedmanwhathadhappened.Shocked,MadamLeong's