公開課作文指導(dǎo)

CompositionGuidance

QingdaoNo.58MiddleSchoolLecturer:YuNing范文一：Mr.Zhangisanexperiencedteacherandheisourfriend,too.Manystudentslikehim.Wethinkthatheisthebestteacher.Hisclassisnoteasytoforget.Inhisclass,everybodyhasachancetospeak.Nobodyescapesfromclass.Inourlife,hetakescareofeverystudentanddoesn’tallowustobehurt.Irememberoncetherewasabigfireinourschool.Inthefire,heandotherpeopletriedtoputoutthefire.Everybodyonthescenewasworriedabouttheoldmanwiththickglasses.Aftermanyhoursofhardwork,mostoftheequipmentwassaved.WeallpraisedMr.Zhangforwhathehaddone.

范文二：Mr.Zhangisnotonlyateacherwithrichexperience,butalsoourfriend.Manystudentsadmirehimandconsiderhimasthebestteacherintheworld.Hisclassisveryunforgettable.Inhisclass,everybodyhastheopportunitytoexpressthemselvessothatnooneescapesfromclass.Inourlife,hecaresforeverystudentandprotectsusfrombeinghurt.Oncehefoughtwithothersagainstabigfireinourschool.Everybodyonthescenewasworriedabouttheoldmanwiththickglasses.Aftermanyhoursofstruggle,mostoftheequipmentwasrescuedfromthefire.Mr.Zhangwashighlypraisedforwhathehaddone.高考作文各檔次的給分范圍和要求：第一檔：（25-30分）完全完成了試題規(guī)定的任務(wù)。對(duì)題中所提供的信息進(jìn)行了恰當(dāng)?shù)拿枋觯宄乇磉_(dá)了自己的觀點(diǎn)并進(jìn)行了充分合理的論證。應(yīng)用了較多的語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯。有效地使用了語(yǔ)句間連接成分，使全文結(jié)構(gòu)緊湊。語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)或詞匯方面有些許錯(cuò)誤，但為盡力使用較復(fù)雜結(jié)構(gòu)或較高級(jí)詞匯所致；具備較強(qiáng)的語(yǔ)言運(yùn)用能力。第二檔：（19-24分）完成了試題規(guī)定的任務(wù)。對(duì)題中所提供的信息進(jìn)行了描述，表達(dá)了自己的觀點(diǎn)并進(jìn)行了論證。應(yīng)用的語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯能滿足任務(wù)的要求。語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)或詞匯方面應(yīng)用基本準(zhǔn)確，些許錯(cuò)誤主要是因嘗試較復(fù)雜語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)或詞匯所致。應(yīng)用簡(jiǎn)單的語(yǔ)句間的連接成分，使全文結(jié)構(gòu)緊湊。第三檔：（13-18分）基本完成了試題規(guī)定的任務(wù)。能描述題目中的信息，表達(dá)了自己的觀點(diǎn)并嘗試進(jìn)行論證。應(yīng)用的語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯能滿足任務(wù)的要求。有一些語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)或詞匯方面的錯(cuò)誤，但不影響理解。應(yīng)用簡(jiǎn)單的語(yǔ)句間的連接成分，使全文內(nèi)容連貫。Christmasiscoming.

Christmas

isapproaching.

Christmasisdrawingnear.

Christmas

isontheway.

Christmas

isaroundthecorner.2.Weshoulduseeveryminutetostudyatschool.

Weshouldmakefulluseof/takeadvantageofeveryminutetostudyatschool.Weshoulddevoteeveryminutetostudyingatschool.Everyminuteshouldbemadefulluseoftostudyatschool.3.Weshoulddosomethingtopreventwaterpollution.Weshouldtakesomemeasurestopreventwaterpollution.Weshouldtakesomemeasurestopreventwaterfrombeingpolluted.Effectivemeasuresshouldbetakentopreventwaterfrombeingpolluted.4.Thedoctortriedhisbesttosavethepatient.Thedoctormadeeveryefforttorescue……Thedoctorsparednoefforttorescue……Thedoctordidall/whatever/everythinghecouldtorescue……5.IwilltellhimthenewsassoonasIseehim.

IwillinformhimofthenewsthemomentIseehim.IwillinformhimofthenewsimmediatelyIseehim.

6.Playinggamesonlinewastestime.

Itisawasteoftimetoplaygamesonline.

7.Youhelpedmealot.IimprovedalotinmyEnglish.With/Thankstoyourhelp,IimprovedalotinmyEnglish.Without/Butforyourhelp,Icouldn’thaveimprovedalotinmyEnglish.Youhelpedmealot;asaresult,IimprovedalotinmyEnglish.

8.TheroomIfoundforyouisasmallflat.Initthereisakitchenandabathroom.

TheroomIfoundforyouisasmallflatwithakitchenandabathroominit.TheroomIfoundforyouisasmallflat,inwhichthereisakitchenandabathroom.ThereisakitchenandabathroominthesmallflatIfoundforyou.9.Somepeopleareagainsttheopinionthatparkscollectentrancefees.Theysaythatitwilldoharmtotheimageofthecity.Somepeopleareagainsttheopinionthatparkscollectentrancefees,sayingthatitwilldoharmtotheimageofthecity.Somepeoplewhoareagainsttheopinionthatparkscollectentrancefeessaythatitwilldoharmtotheimageofthecity.Somepeopleareagainsttheopinionthatparkscollectentrancefees,whichtheysaywilldoharmtotheimageofthecity.10.Youhelpedmecorrectmymistakes.Iamverythankfultoyouforyourhelp.I

am

verythankfultoyouforhelping

mecorrect

mymistakes.Ireally

appreciateyourhelping

mecorrectmymistakes.常用過(guò)渡詞與連接詞:

tobeginwith/tostartwithontheotherhand/onthecontrarythatistosay/inotherwordswhat’smore/besides/furthermorewhat’sworse/tomakemattersworsesimilarly/inthesamewayfirstofall/aboveallbecause/as/since/thanksto/duetoeitheror/neithernor/notonlybutalsotobeexact/ingeneral/generallyspeakingallinall/inaword/inconclusion------Recentlywehavehadaheateddiscussion.Itwasaboutwhetherweshouldkeeppetsathomeincities.Somestudentsthinkitisagoodideatokeeppets.Manyoldpeoplewholivealoneathomecangetsomecomfortfrompets.Gettingalongwellwithanimalswillmakeourlifeinteresting.Theotherstudentsareagainsttheidea.Theythinkiftoomanypeoplekeeppetsathome,itwillbebadfortheenvironment.Petsmaketoomuchnoiseandevenattackpeople.Ilikeanimals.Idon’tthinkkeepingpetsathomeisbad.Butweshoulddosomethingsothatpetswillnotpollutetheenvironmentorhurtus.Recentlywehavehadaheateddiscussiononwhetherweshouldkeeppetsathomeincities.Somestudentsthinkitisagoodideatokeeppets,becausemanyoldpeoplewholivealoneathomecangetsomecomfortfrompets.What’smore,gettingalongwellwithanimalswillmakeourlifeinteresting.Ontheotherhand,theotherstudentsareagainsttheidea,thinkingthatiftoomanypeoplekeeppetsathome,itwilldoharmtotheenvironment.What’sworse,petsmaketoomuchnoiseandevenattackpeople.IlikeanimalsandIdon’tthinkitbadtokeeppetsathome.Butweshouldtakesomemeasurestopreventthemfrompollutingtheenvironmentandhurtingus.1.Don’tforgettogiveyourarticleagoodtitleifnecessary.2.Aslongasyoucankeeptothepoint,youcanwritewhateveryouwant.Sodon’taskfortroublebyexpressingwhatyoucan’texpress.3.Youshouldknowwhattowritefirstandwhattowritenext.Thatistosay,decidehowmanyparagraphsyouneedandwhatyouwanttowriteineachparagraph.4.Trytousesomeadvancedwordsandstructuresintherightway.WaterIsVeryImportant

Afewpeoplebelievethatthewaterwon'tbeoutofrun（1），butasanoppositefact，thewaterisinterribleshortage（2）．Thefreshwaterincludesthewaterfromthewell，therain，theriver，etc．Theoceanscover70％oftheeartharea，mostofthemcan'tbeused（3）．Allthepeopledon‘tcherishthewateratall（4）．Theimprovementofperson（5），thepollutionofwaterandthewasteofwatermakeusinshortoffreshwater．

Sotodayweshouldcherisheverydropoffreshwaterindecreasing（6）pollutionofwater，wasteofwaterandincreasetheutilizationrateoffreshwater．Ihopethatwewillescapefrom（7）theshortageallovertheworldtomorrow．

（1）動(dòng)詞語(yǔ)態(tài)有誤?！皉unout”這個(gè)動(dòng)詞短語(yǔ)可以用于主動(dòng)形式：“Waterisrunningout．”，如果用被動(dòng)形式，要加介詞“of”。即：“Waterwillberunoutof．”（2）考生自作主張，隨意堆砌詞匯。更正為：but／however／nevertheless／onthecontrary等。且整個(gè)句子應(yīng)該是下段的主題句。（3）本句應(yīng)該在第二段出現(xiàn)

（4）本句應(yīng)該是上段的結(jié)果。（5）這里反映出考生使用英語(yǔ)上想當(dāng)然，閉門造車。正確的說(shuō)法是：rapidgrowthofpopulation／overpopulation／explosionofpopulation等。

（6）“indecreasing”與動(dòng)詞“cherish”，“increase”并列。在平行結(jié)構(gòu)中，動(dòng)詞應(yīng)采用相同的形式。

（7）“escapefrom”是“躲避”、“逃避”的意思。我們不能回避矛盾。我們別無(wú)選擇，只能謀求解決矛盾的辦法。所以該句的動(dòng)詞應(yīng)該使用：“solve”，“findsolutionsto”，“findawayoutof”等。

【點(diǎn)評(píng)】該文基本能用英文表達(dá)思想，但是存在兩點(diǎn)重大錯(cuò)誤：一、各段主題句不突出，根本沒(méi)有在段落開頭寫清楚本段的中心內(nèi)容，尤其是后兩段?？忌辽賾?yīng)該開門見山地將所給出的漢語(yǔ)主題句轉(zhuǎn)換成英語(yǔ)，再加以論述。二、總的來(lái)看，全文一直圍繞GlobalShortageofFreshWater這一嚴(yán)肅課題。但是前兩段互有包含，結(jié)構(gòu)混亂。如：“butasanoppositefact，thewaterisinterribleshortage．”本應(yīng)該是下段的主題句。

又如：“Allthepeopledon'tcherishthewateratall”是第一段的結(jié)果，應(yīng)該放到首段才是。兩段內(nèi)容不能放到一起論述。這些錯(cuò)誤很具有代表性，這就是大多數(shù)考生作文始終低水平徘徊的主要原因之一。語(yǔ)無(wú)倫次屬于低級(jí)錯(cuò)誤，只要稍加用心，很容易避免。主題突出、層次清楚是很容易做到的，是考試中容易實(shí)現(xiàn)的得分點(diǎn)。落實(shí)這一點(diǎn)，與其說(shuō)考察學(xué)生的英文水平，不如說(shuō)考察學(xué)生的漢語(yǔ)寫作和思維能力。

Afewpeoplebelievethatthewaterwon'trunout．Thefreshwaterincludesthewaterfromthewell，therain，theriver，etc．Theoceanscover70％oftheearth'sarea．Asaresult，somepeoplewastethewater．However，thereareterriblewatershortages．Mostofthewatercan'tbeused．Therapidgrowthofthepopulation，thepollutionofwaterandthewasteofwaterhaveledtowatershortages．Sotodayweshouldcherisheverydropoffreshwater，decreasethepollutionofwater，thewasteofwaterand