【讀后續(xù)寫】2021年6月浙江讀后續(xù)寫講評-第一次打工賺錢 名師教學設計-郭合英

基于協(xié)同效應提升表達能力的讀后續(xù)寫講評（以2021年6月浙江讀后續(xù)寫“第一次打工賺錢”為例)杭州二中樹蘭高級中學郭合英讀后續(xù)寫：Mydad,George,onlyhadaneighthgradeeducation.Aquietman,hedidn’tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.Fromage14,heworked.Andhisdad,Albert,tookthemoneymydadearnedandusedittopayfamilyexpenses.Ididn’treallyunderstandhisworldeither：Hewasalivestocktrucker,andIthoughtthatIwouldsurpass（超過）anythinghehadaccomplishedbythetimeIwalkedacrossthestageathighschoolgraduation.Summersinthemid-70swerespentathomeshootingbaskets,hittingabaseball,orthrowingafootball,preparingformyfutureasaquarterbackonafootballteam.Inpoorweather,Ireadaboutsportsorpracticedmytrombone（長號）.ThesummerbeforemyeighthgradeIwasoneofagroupofboysthataneighboringfarmerhiredtoworkinhisfield.Heexplainedourbasictask,thetractorfiredupandwewereoff,ridingdownthefieldlookingforweedstospraywithchemicals.Afterashortway,thefarmerstoppedandpointedataweedwhichwemissed.Thenwebeganagain.Thishappenedoverandover,butwesoonlearnedtoidentifydifferentgrasseslikecockleburs,lamb’s-quarters,foxtails,andthekingofweeds,theprettypurplethistle.Itwastiringwork,butIlookedforwardtothepay,eventhoughIwasn’tsurehowmuchitwouldamountto.Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob’sabigsteptogrowingup.I’mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad’swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn’tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.注意：所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應為150左右；2.至少使用5個短文中標有下劃線的關鍵詞語；3.續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好；4.續(xù)寫完成后，請用下劃線標出你所使用的關鍵詞語。Paragraph1:WhenIbroughtmypaycheckhome—itwas$119—mydadwantedtotalktome._____Paragraph2:IwassurprisedthatmydadallowedmetousethemoneyasIwished.________設計理念：本節(jié)課從“協(xié)同”概念為著眼點，從主題協(xié)同、沖突協(xié)同、語言協(xié)同、人設協(xié)同、情節(jié)協(xié)同及情感協(xié)同六個方面為切入點，引導學生基于協(xié)同效應提升讀后續(xù)寫表達能力的提升，從而走出讀后續(xù)寫的寫作誤區(qū)，避免他們走彎路，從而快速提升讀后續(xù)寫的寫作能力。教學目標：Basedonsynergy,theteachershelpthestudentsimprovetheabilitytowritecontinuouswriting.Afterteachingthislesson,youwill1. Whatissynergy?2. Whichaspectsshouldbeinaccordancewithoriginaltextinsynergy?3. Howtoconsistwiththeoriginalthroughanalyzingsomeexamples.教學步驟：Step1：導入：Lead-in：Tostimulatethestudents’interest,theteacherwillshowashortvideoontheunderstandingbetweenfatherandson.Step2:文本解讀：（1）語法填空Mydadwhoonlyhadaneighthgradeeducationwasalivestocktrucker.Hedidn’tcomprehendmycircleofschoolactivities.Heworkedformoneyattheageoffourteen.1,allhismoneymadebyhimhadtopayfamilyexpenses.I2(firm)reckonedthatIwouldsurpassanythinghe3(complete)bythetimeIwalkedacrossthestageathighschoolgraduation.Thesummerbeforemy4(eight)grade,I5(take)ontoworkasoneofjobbersinaneighboringfarm.Ourtaskistolookforweedstospraywithchemicals,soonwe6(learn)toidentifydifferentgrasses.Itwastiringwork,butIhankeredforthepay,eventhoughIwasn’tsurehowmuchitwouldamount7.However,myfathertoldmetousethemoneymadebyme8(pay)familyexpenses.Mydad’swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbe9(me)todowithasIwished.Thoughthefarmertoldmetheremightbemorework,Iwasn’t10(interest).IconcludeditwasunfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.（2）理清脈絡ElementsofElementsofthestoryStep3：Whatissynergy?Theconceptofsynergy?Whichaspectsshouldbeinaccordancewithoriginaltextinsynergy?Step4:Explainthespecificapplicationinwritingthroughsomeexamples.Accordingtotheconceptofsynergy,theteacherwillexplainthemindetailtothestudentsonebyonethroughsomeexamplestoassisttheminimprovingtheabilitytowritecontinuouswriting.Thematicsynergy主題協(xié)同Mydad,George,onlyhadaneighthgradeeducation.Aquietman,hedidn’tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.Fromage14,heworked.Andhisdad,Albert,tookthemoneymydadearnedandusedittopayfamilyexpenses.……Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob’sabigsteptogrowingup.I’mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad’swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn’tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.(2)Conflictingsynergy沖突協(xié)同Mydad,George,onlyhadaneighthgradeeducation.Aquietman,hedidn’tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.Fromage14,heworked.Andhisdad,Albert,tookthemoneymydadearnedandusedittopayfamilyexpenses.Ididn’treallyunderstandhisworldeither：Hewasalivestocktrucker,andIthoughtthatIwouldsurpass（超過）anythinghehadaccomplishedbythetimeIwalkedacrossthestageathighschoolgraduation.……Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob’sabigsteptogrowingup.I’mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad’swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn’tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.(3)Publicpersonasynergy人設協(xié)同Mydad,George,onlyhadaneighthgradeeducation.Aquietman,hedidn’tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.Fromage14,heworked.Andhisdad,Albert,tookthemoneymydadearnedandusedittopayfamilyexpenses.Ididn'treallyunderstandhisworldeither:Hewanalivestocktrucker,andIthoughtthat1wouldsurpass(超過)anythinghehadaccomplishedbythetimeIwalkedacrossthestageathighschoolgraduation.……Afterashortway,thefarmerstoppedandpointedataweedwhichwemissed.Thenwebeganagain.Thishappenedoverandover,butwesoonlearnedtoidentifydifferentgrasseslikecockleburs,lamb's-quarters,foxtails,andthekingofweeds,theprettypurplethistle.Itwastiringwork,butIlookedforwardtothepay,eventhoughIwasn'tsurehowmuchitwouldamountto.Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob'sabigsteptogrowingup.I'mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad'swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn'tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.Emotionalsynergy情感協(xié)同……ThesummerbeforemyeighthgradeIwasoneofagroupofboysthataneighboringfarmerhiredtoworkinhisfield.Heexplainedourbasictask,thetractorfiredupandwewereoff,ridingdownthefieldlookingforweedstospraywithchemicals.Afterashortway,thefarmerstoppedandpointedataweedwhichwemissed.Thenwebeganagain.Thishappenedoverandover,butwesoonlearnedtoidentifydifferentgrasseslikecockleburs,lamb's-quarters,foxtails,andthekingofweeds,theprettypurplethistle.Itwastiringwork,butIlookedforwardtothepay,eventhoughIwasn'tsurehowmuchitwouldamountto.Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob'sabigsteptogrowingup.I'mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad'swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn'tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.Theson’semotions:Thefather’semotions:Plotsynergy情節(jié)協(xié)同Paragraph1:WhenIbroughtmypaycheckhome—itwas$119—mydadwantedtotalktome.Paragraph2:IwassurprisedthatmydadallowedmetousethemoneyasIwished.LanguageSynergy語言協(xié)同用下劃線標出句子所用的語法靚點及高頻詞匯Mydad,George,onlyhadaneighthgradeeducation.Aquietman,hedidn'tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.Fromage14,heworked.Andhisdad,Albert,tookthemoneymydadearnedandusedittopayfamilyexpenses.Ididn'treallyunderstandhisworldeither:Hewasalivestocktrucker,andIthoughtthatIwouldsurpass(超過)anythinghehadaccomplishedbythetimeIwalkedacrossthestageathighschoolgraduation.Summersinthemid-70swerespentathomeshootingbaskets,hittingabaseball,orthrowingafootball,preparingformyfutureasaquarterbackonafootballteam.Inpoorweather,Ireadaboutsportsorpracticedmytrombone(長號).ThesummerbeforemyeighthgradeIwasoneofagroupofboysthataneighboringfarmerhiredtoworkinhisfield.Heexplainedourbasictask,thetractorfiredupandwewereoff,ridingdownthefieldlookingforweedstospraywithchemicals.Afterashortway,thefarmerstoppedandpointedataweedwhichwemissed.Thenwebeganagain.Thishappenedoverandover,butwesoonlearnedtoidentifydifferentgrasseslikecockleburs,lamb's-quarters,foxtails,andthekingofweeds,theprettypurplethistle.Itwastiringwork,butIlookedforwardtothepay,eventhoughIwasn'tsurehowmuchitwouldamountto.Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob'sabigsteptogrowingup.I'mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad'swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn'tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.Step5詞匯積累：Toshow,nottotell生氣的表達wailing嗚咽pullalongface拉長臉smilewrylyat為……發(fā)出苦笑growled怒吼道discolored面容失色的flyintoarage暴跳如雷flyintoafury勃然大怒onthepointofexploding快要氣炸了curlone’slips撅起嘴唇gointoarage大發(fā)脾氣heart-breaking令人心碎的stormoff怒氣沖沖地走了asharppainofmisery極為難過makesb.hotunderthecollar怒火沖天/勃然大怒Ifeltthelossdeeply.我非常難過。高興的表達Acackleescapedmythroat.我不禁咯咯地笑了。makeachucklingnoise輕聲地笑grinfromeartoear笑得合不攏嘴liftmeup讓我高興sighwithrelief舒了一口氣緊張的表達setmyheartracing使某人心跳不已restless坐立不安paceupanddown走來走去gulpnervously緊張地吸了一口氣breakoutinasweat突然出了一身汗形容人的anut-brownman一個褐棕色皮膚的人aplainman一個樸實的人anhonestsort一個老實人aplain-speakingman一個有話直說的人asharp-lookingman看起來很嚴肅的人apooroldwreck一個又窮又老的廢物getoffhisknees站了起來raisinghimselfonhiselbow用手肘支起身體puffingonhispipe吸著他的煙斗grim-faced面目猙獰的bloodshoteyesandswollenlips眼睛充血，眼睛腫脹loseone’sfooting失去平衡stoppinhistracks停住了腳步hobble一瘸一拐地走ambling步履蹣跚的stumpedoff步履沉重地走開了備用詞匯loomupaheadofme浮現(xiàn)在我眼前attheideaof一想到gawpat直愣愣地看著lookatmewithhopeinhiseyes充滿希望地看著我forallwewereworth拼命，竭盡全力wastemoneyterribly大肆揮霍mycouragesank我漸漸失去了勇氣ringinmyears在我耳邊回想setfootinmyhouse踏進我的房間pluckupcourage鼓起勇氣toone’sdismay使某人驚訝的是Insidehisheadthoughtsragedlikeastorm.種種念頭令他的腦海風起云涌speakourmindsfreelytoeachother彼此暢所欲言pangsofconscience良心的折磨ashredofguilt一絲負疚Hismindwasriddledwithguilt.他的心中充滿了內(nèi)疚。bebesideoneself情緒失控cometothinkofit想起來了Eg.Cometothinkofit,that'ssmartadviceevenforjobhunterswhoaren'tlawyers.想想看吧，這確實是一條非常明智的建議，即便是對于不做律師的求職者來說，也同樣有用。Step6:學生范文解析范文1范文點評：可取之處：范文點評：可取之處：不足之處：范文（2）可取之處：不足之處Apossibleversion：原創(chuàng)WhenIbroughtmypaycheckhome--itwas$119--mydadwantedtotalktome.ItwasthelastthingthatIwantedtotalk.withmyheartpoundingjustlikeadeer,Ihadintendedtoslipbacktomybedroomtiptoeing,whenanagedvoicesetmyheartracing,“Congratulationstoyouonthepaych