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1、精選優(yōu)質(zhì)文檔-傾情為你奉上精選優(yōu)質(zhì)文檔-傾情為你奉上專心-專注-專業(yè)專心-專注-專業(yè)精選優(yōu)質(zhì)文檔-傾情為你奉上專心-專注-專業(yè)U2:Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other?男女交談為何如此困難I was addressing a small gathering in a suburban Virginia living room - a womens group that had invited men to join them. Throughout the evening, one man had been par

2、ticularly talkative, frequently offering ideas and anecdotes, while his wife sat silently beside him on the couch. Toward the end of the evening, I commented that women frequently complain that their husbands dont talk to them. This man quickly concurred. He gestured toward his wife and said, Shes t

3、he talker in our family. The room burst into laughter; the man looked puzzled and hurt. Its true, he explained. When I come home from work I have nothing to say. If she didnt keep the conversation going, wed spend the whole evening in silence.那是在弗吉尼亞郊區(qū)一個住所的客廳里，我正在一次小型聚會上發(fā)言這是一次女性的聚會，但也邀請了男性參加。整晚，一位男士

4、表現(xiàn)得極為健談，他不斷地發(fā)表自己的看法，講述奇聞軼事。而他的妻子卻安靜地坐在他身旁的沙發(fā)上。聚會接近尾聲時，我說，一些妻子經(jīng)常抱怨丈夫不與她們交談，這位男士立刻表示同意。他指著妻子說：“在家里愛說話的是她。”于是滿屋子哄堂大笑，這位男士一臉茫然和委屈?！斑@是真的，”他解釋說，“我下班回家后總是無話可說，如果她不說話，我們會整晚沉默?！盩his episode crystallizes the irony that although American men tend to talk more than women in public situations, they often talk le

5、ss at home. And this pattern is wreaking havoc with marriage.這段小插曲反映了一種具有諷刺意味的現(xiàn)象，即美國的男性盡管在公共場合比女性健談，在家里卻比女性說話少。而正是這一現(xiàn)象使婚姻受到嚴重威脅。Sociologist Catherine Kohler Riessman reports in her new book Divorce Talk that most of the women she interviewed - but only a few of the men - gave lack of communication a

6、s the reason for their divorces. 社會學家凱瑟琳凱爾里茲曼在她的新作離婚談中說，她采訪過的大多數(shù)女性將離婚的原因歸咎于缺乏交談，但只有少數(shù)男性將此當作離婚的理由。In my own research, complaints from women about their husbands most often focused not on tangible inequities such as having given up the chance for a career to accompany a husband to his, or doing far mo

7、re than their share of daily life-support work like cleaning, cooking, social arrangements and errands. Instead, they focused on communication: He doesnt listen to me, He doesnt talk to me. I found, as Hacker observed years before, that most wives want their husbands to be, first and foremost, conve

8、rsational partners, but few husbands share this expectation of their wives.在我本人的研究中，女性對丈夫的抱怨大多不是集中在一些實際的不平等現(xiàn)象，例如為了跟隨丈夫的事業(yè)而放棄了發(fā)展自己事業(yè)的機會，或者她們所承擔的日常生活瑣事遠遠超過她們份內(nèi)的部分。她們的抱怨總是集中在交流問題上，如“他不聽我說話”，“他不和我說話”。我發(fā)現(xiàn)多數(shù)做妻子的都期望丈夫首先是自己的交談伙伴。但是很少有丈夫?qū)ζ拮颖в型瑯拥钠谕?。In short, the image that best represents the current crisis i

9、s the stereotypical cartoon scene of a man sitting at the breakfast table with a newspaper held up in front of his face, while a woman glares at the back of it, wanting to talk.簡言之，最能體現(xiàn)目前這種危機的是一個老套的卡通畫面：一個男人坐在早餐桌旁，手中拿著一張報紙看著，而他的妻子憤怒地盯著報紙背面，渴望與他交談。Linguistic Battle Between Men and Women兩性間的唇槍舌劍How ca

10、n women and men have such different impressions of communication in marriage?Why is there a widespread imbalance in their interests and expectations? 在婚姻中的交流問題上，為何男女會持有如此不同的觀點？為什么男女的興趣和期望普遍不一致？In the April 1990 issue of American Psychologist, Stanford Universitys Eleanor Maccoby reports the results

11、of her own and others research showing that childrens development is most influenced by social stucture of peer interactions. Boys and girls tend to play with children of their own gender,and their sex-separate groups have different organizational structures and interactive norms. 斯坦福大學的埃莉諾麥科比在1990年

12、4月美國心理學家刊物上發(fā)表了她自己和他人研究的結(jié)果。研究結(jié)果表明，兒童的發(fā)展主要受同齡伙伴交往過程中社交結(jié)構(gòu)的影響。無論男孩女孩都喜歡與同性伙伴玩耍。不同性別的兒童小群體有不同的組織結(jié)構(gòu)和交際準則。I believe these systematic differences in childhood socialization make talk between women and men like cross-culture communication. My research on mens and womens conversations uncovered patterns simil

13、ar to those described for childrens group.我相信，兒童時代社交過程中的不同規(guī)則，導致了兩性間的交談如同跨文化交流一樣難。我本人通過對男女對話的研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，成年男女對話的模式類似于兒童群體交流過程中的模式。 For women, as for girls, intimacy is the fabric of relationships, and talk is the thread from which it is woven. little girls creat and maintain friendship by exchanging secrets

14、;similarly,women regard conversation as the cornerstoneof friendship. So a woman expects her husband to be a new and improved version of a best friend. What is important is not the individual subjects that are discussed but the sense of closeness,of a life shared,that emerges when people tell their

15、thoughts,feelings,and impressions. 成年女性同女孩一樣，彼此親密是她們感情關(guān)系的紐帶。而交談是編織這種紐帶的線。小女孩通過相互交換秘密來建立和維持友誼。同樣，成年女性也把交談看作友誼的基礎。因此，女性期望丈夫成為自己新的、更好的知心朋友。對她們來說重要的不是某個具體的討論話題，而是在說出自己的想法、感受和印象時所表現(xiàn)出來的那種親密的、分享生活的感覺。Bonds between boys can be as intense as girls, but they are based less on talking, more on doing things tog

16、ether. Since they dont assume talk is the cement that binds a relationship, men dont know what kind of talk women want, and they dont miss it when it isnt there. 男孩間的關(guān)系和女孩一樣緊密。但男孩間的關(guān)系與其說建立在交談基礎上，不如說建立在共同動手基礎上。既然他們不認為交談能夠鞏固感情關(guān)系，他們不知道女人需要何種交談，也不會因為沒有交談而感到遺憾。Boys group are larger, more inclusive, and m

17、ore hierachical, so boys must struggle to avoid the subordinate position in the group. This may play a role in womens complaints that men dont listen to them. 男孩的群體比女孩的要大，所包括的人更廣泛, 也更具有等級特色。因此，男孩們勢必要努力爭取不在群體中處于從屬地位。這也許是為什么女人抱怨男人不聽她們說話的根源之一。Often when women tell men,You arent listening.and men protes

18、t I am,the man are right. The impression of not listening results from misalignments in the mechanics of conversation.This misalignment begins as soon as a man and a woman take physical position. When I studied videotapes made by psychologist Bruce Dorval of children and adults taking to their same-

19、sex best friends,I found at every age,the girls and women faced each other directly,their eyes anchored on each others face. At every age,the boys and men sat at angles to each other and looked elsewhere in the room,perildically glancing at each other. But the tendency of men to face away can give w

20、omen the impression they arent listening even when they are.A young woman in college was frustrated:whenever she told her boyfriend she wanted to talk to him,he would lie down on the floor,close his eyes,and put his arm over his face. This signaled to her,Hes taking a nap.But he insisted he was list

21、ening extra hard. Normally,He looks around the room,so he is easily distracted. Lying down and covering his eyes helped him concentrate on what she was saying.當女的對男的說“你沒有在聽”，而男的反對說“我在聽”時，常常男的是對的。這種給人沒有在聽的印象是由于男女對話方式的不同而引起的。這種不同在男女各自就位時就已表現(xiàn)出來了。我對心理學家布魯斯多維爾錄制的關(guān)于兒童與成人分別與他們的同性好友交談時的錄像帶進行了研究。研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，無論多大年齡的

22、女孩和成年女性，都采取面對面的姿勢，眼睛看著對方的臉。而各種年齡的男孩和成年男子就座時，相互位置都成一定的角度，眼睛看著屋子別的地方，只有時不時瞥對方一眼。男性這種看著別處的習慣，可能給女性一種印象，那就是他們沒有在聽，即使他們在聽也會給人以沒有在聽的印象。一個年輕的女大學生感到很失望，因為每當她告訴男朋友她想跟他談談時，他總是躺在地上，閉上眼睛，并用手臂擋住臉。她對此的理解是，“他想睡一會兒”。而他則堅持說他在非常認真地傾聽。在一般情況下，他會環(huán)顧屋子四周，所以容易分心。而躺在地上，蒙住眼睛會使他專心致志聽女友說話。 Swiching topics is another habit that

23、 gives women the impression men arent listening especially if they swich to a topic about themselves. The girls in my study tended to talk at length about one topic,but the boys tended to jump from topic to topic. 轉(zhuǎn)移話題是男人的另一種習慣，這種習慣也給女人一個印象：他們沒有在聽。特別是當他們把話題轉(zhuǎn)移到自己身上時更是如此。在我的研究中，女孩往往就一個話題談得很詳細，而男孩傾向于不斷

24、改變話題。My study of the 10th-grade children found that when a girl told a friend about a problem,the friend responded by asking probing questions and expressing agreement and understanding.But the boys dismissed each others problems. Tldd assured Richard that his drinking was no big problem.And when To

25、dd said he felt left out,Richard responded,Why should you?You know more people than me. 我對10年級的孩子所進行的研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，當女孩對朋友傾訴煩惱時，對方總是刨根問底，并且表示同意和理解。男孩卻不把對方的問題看得那么嚴重。例如，托德安慰理查德說他飲酒“不是什么大問題”。當托德說他遭受冷落時，理查德回答說：“你怎么會這么想？你認識的人比我還多。”Women perceived such responses as belittling and unsupportive.But the boys seemed sa

26、tisfied with them.Whereas women reassure each by implying,You shouldnt feel bad because Ive had similar experiences,men do so by implying,You shouldnt feel bad because your problems arent so bad. 女性把這種回答看作是輕視她們的問題和不支持她們。但男性似乎對這種回答很滿意。女性的回答暗示：“你不應該感到難過，因為我也有過類似的經(jīng)歷，”從而彼此安慰。而男性通過暗示“你不應該感到難過，因為你的問題并不那么糟

27、糕”來彼此安慰。There are even simpler reasons for womens impression that men dont listen. Linguist Lynette Hirschman found that women make more listener-noise, such as mhm,uhuh,and yeah,to show Im with you. Men, she found, more often give silent attention. Women who expect a stream of listener-noise interp

28、ret silent attention as no attention at all.還有更簡單的原因來解釋為什么女人總覺得男人沒有在聽。語言學家萊內(nèi)特赫希曼發(fā)現(xiàn)，女性比男性發(fā)出更多的傾聽者的聲音，如“對”，“嗯嗯”，“是”等來表示“我理解”。她發(fā)現(xiàn)，男人通常是靜靜地傾聽。而女人期待聽到一連串傾聽者的聲音，她們把靜靜地聽理解為根本沒有注意聽。Womens conversational habits are as frustrating to men as mens are to women. Men who expect silent attention interpret a stream

29、 of listener-noise as overreaction or impatience. Also,when women talk to each other in a close, domfortable setting,they often overlap,finish each others sentences and anticipate what the other is about to say. This practice,which I call participatory listenership, is often perceived by men as inte

30、rruption,intusion and lack of attention. 男性的對話習慣使女性感到失望，同樣，女性的對話習慣也使男性感到失望。男性期望的是靜靜地注意聽，他們將一連串傾聽者的聲音理解為過頭的反應或是不耐煩。此外，當女性在一個親密、舒適的環(huán)境里交談時，常?；ハ啻钤挘f完對方未說完的句子，并且能夠預料到對方要說什么。我把這種做法叫做“參與式傾聽”，男性往往將此理解為干擾、冒犯和缺乏注意力。A parallel difference caused a man to complain about his wife,She just wants to talk about her

31、own point of view.If I show her another view,she gets mad at me.When most women talk to each other, they assume a conversationalists job is to express agreement and support.But many men see their conversational duty as pointing out the other side of an argument. This is heard as disloyalty by women,

32、 and refusal to offer the requisite support.It is not that women dont want to see other points of view,but that they prefer them phrased as suggestions and inquiries rather than as direct challenges. 同樣，男女之間的差別也使丈夫抱怨妻子，“她只想表達她的觀點。如果我向她表達另一種不同的觀點，她就對我生氣。”多數(shù)婦女在交談時，認為談話伙伴要做的事就是表示贊同和支持。而很多男人則認為，談話時指出問題的

33、另一面才是他們的責任。在女性看來，這樣做是一種不真誠的表現(xiàn)，是拒絕給予必要的支持。這不是因為女性不想聽到別的觀點，而是因為女性更喜歡將這些觀點以建議或詢問的言詞表達出來，而不是以直接了當?shù)奶魬?zhàn)形式表達出來。The Sounds of Silence沉默的聲音These differences begin to clarify why women and men have such different expectations about communication in marriage. For women, talk creates intimacy. Marriage is an org

34、y of closeness: you can tell your feelings and thoughts, and still be loved. Their greatest fear is being pushed away. But men live in a hierarchical world, where talk maintains independence and status. They are on guard to protect themselves from being put down and push around. 上述這些區(qū)別可以解釋為什么在婚姻內(nèi)的交流

35、問題上，男女抱有如此不同的期望。對女性來說，交談可以使關(guān)系親密?；橐鲫P(guān)系是一種無比密切的關(guān)系：你可以說出你的感受和想法，對方會依然愛著你。女性最大的恐懼是被排斥。但是，男人生活在一種等級分明的世界里，談話的目的是保持自己的獨立性與地位。他們必須時刻警惕，保護自己，以免受人壓制或受人擺布。 This explains the paradox of the talkative man who said of his silent wife,Shes the talker. In the public setting, he felt challenged to show his intellige

36、nce and display his understanding. But at home, where he has nothing to prove and no one to defend against, he is free to remain silent. For hi wife, being home means she is free from the worry that something she says might offend someone, or spark disagreement, or appear to be showing off; at home

37、she is free to talk. 這一點也解釋了那個健談的男人說他那沉默的妻子“她才能說呢”這種矛盾局面。在公共場合，他覺得迫不得已要表現(xiàn)自己的聰穎、展示自己的理解力。但在家里，他不需要證明什么，也不需要提防任何人，所以他不想說話就不說話。對他的妻子來說，在家意味著不必擔心自己說的話會得罪別人，或者引發(fā)矛盾，或者顯得炫耀自己。在家里，她可以想說什么就說什么。 The communication problems that endanger marriage cant be fixed by mechanical engineering. They require a new conceptual framework about the role of talk in human relationships. Many of the psychological explanations may not be helpful, because they tend to blame either women(for not being assertive enough) or men(for not being in touch with their feelings). A sociolinguistic approach by