2024年3月云南師大附中高三統(tǒng)測(cè)讀后續(xù)寫-Agestureofkindness講義-高考英語(yǔ)作文復(fù)習(xí)專項(xiàng)

2024年3月云南師大附中高三統(tǒng)測(cè)讀后續(xù)寫AllIknewwasthat,whenIheard

ayounggirl’svoicein

distress,Ihadtodosomething.Itwasonthe

flight

toIcelandwith

adearfriend

withcancer.HeaskedmetoacpanyhimashetravelledtogetsomemedicalscansinEurope.Wewereallsettledinfor

alongflight,offonanadventuretoahospitalinHollandwhereIwouldsupporthim.Itwasn'tlongbeforeIheardamanbelittling(貶低)asobbinggirldirectly

behindme.Icouldn'tignorewhatwashappening.Thiswasobviouslyagirlinaverydangeroussituation.Myfrienddidn'thearanyofit,sohehadnoideawhatIwasthinking.Iwaswitnessing,withmyearsonly,aguy

verballyabusing

agirl,whowascryinguncontrollably:“…fat…retarded（遲鈍的）whatdidIseeinyou?!”Her

boyfriend

continuedtoupsetherwithnoregardforhertears.Hedidn'tcare.Hewascontrollingher,andthiswashisintention.InoticedthenapkinusedformywatercupandrecogniseditwassomethingIcouldwriteon.IfIcouldgeta

note

toherwithouthimseeing,maybethiswouldhelpherunderstandsheneededtorunawayfromhimFAST.Thiswashappeningbehindme,soIthought,Icouldwaituntilhewenttothebathroomandpassedherthenote.Iglancedbehindmeperiodically,andhefinallyleft.Ididn'tknowwhatshelookedlike.Ididn'tknowifoureyesevermet.AllIknewthenwasshenowhadanotefromsomeonewhocared,withmy

email

address,askingifshewantedtocontactatotal

stranger

whohadobservedher

desperatesituation.ItwassodangerousthatIcouldn'tevenrisksharingmyphonenumberandtakingachancethatitwouldlandinherboyfriend’shands.Sometimestherearesituationswecannotignore.

Mydad

taughtmetoneverleaveaplacewishingIhaddoneorsaidsomething.Thatwasgoingthroughmymind.IactuallydidsomethingandIwisheditcouldmakeadifference.Paragraph1:

Ididgetaresponsefromthisyounggirl,revealingtherewasnotonlyverbalabusebutphysicalabuseaswell._______________________________________________________________________________________________Paragraph2:

Itturnedoutthatmynotehadstartedgettingthegirlonthepathtosavingherself._______________________________________________________________________________________________注：考卷中并沒有任何下劃線詞匯。我們刻意標(biāo)出這些詞匯是想展現(xiàn)續(xù)寫和原文概念的互動(dòng)。還不太明白這樣做的道理的朋友請(qǐng)回顧：\t"s://mp.weixin.qq/_blank"《為什么高考英語(yǔ)浙江卷讀后續(xù)寫值得我們重點(diǎn)關(guān)注？》故事梗概在一次飛往冰島的航班上，作者“我”陪一位患有癌癥的朋友去做治療。飛機(jī)剛起飛不久，我就聽到后座有一個(gè)年輕女孩在哭泣，她的男友在不顧她的淚水，不斷辱罵她。我感到我不能無(wú)視這一幕，于是當(dāng)那個(gè)男人去洗手間時(shí)，我趁機(jī)給那個(gè)女孩遞了一張寫有我的電子郵件地址的紙條，希望她能意識(shí)到她需要遠(yuǎn)離這個(gè)男人……主要人物：（主要人物是續(xù)寫的筆墨重點(diǎn)所在）作者“我”和坐在“我”身后的那名女孩次要人物：（次要人物不需要投入太多描寫精力）“我”的朋友和那名女孩的男朋友續(xù)寫思路建議第一段首句：通過郵件得知那名女孩的處境變得更糟糕了。她的男友對(duì)她的虐待從口頭暴力進(jìn)一步發(fā)展到肢體上的暴力。（Ididgetaresponsefromthisyounggirl,revealingtherewasnotonlyverbalabusebutphysicalabuseaswell.）一種可行的續(xù)寫思路是：圍繞“我”和那名女孩的郵件通訊往來(lái)展開。向讀者展示“我”和這名女孩的郵件溝通交流(emailcorrespondence)。第二段首句：我給女孩的紙條留言起到了作用。她開始了自我拯救。（Itturnedoutthatmynotehadstartedgettingthegirlonthepathtosavingherself.）一種可行的續(xù)寫思路是：經(jīng)過“我”細(xì)致的郵件溝通和疏導(dǎo)，女孩開始覺悟了。她開始了自我拯救，成功脫離了對(duì)自己實(shí)施口頭和肢體暴力的男友。學(xué)生寫作中的內(nèi)容編寫共性問題在給學(xué)生進(jìn)行作文面批的過程中，我們發(fā)現(xiàn)不少學(xué)生沒有注意到原文中email這個(gè)關(guān)鍵信息，沒有在續(xù)寫中利用好“郵件溝通”這個(gè)故事編寫抓手。有的學(xué)生的續(xù)寫是：“我”得到了女子的回應(yīng)，在現(xiàn)場(chǎng)（飛機(jī)上）和就和女子以及女子的男友展開了正面對(duì)話，三五幾句話就說(shuō)服了女子主動(dòng)脫離“家暴男”，實(shí)現(xiàn)了自我拯救。顯而易見，分分鐘就實(shí)現(xiàn)讓被家暴（包括：口頭和肢體）的人脫離困境這樣的描寫缺乏必要的真實(shí)性和寫作誠(chéng)意。當(dāng)然，從出題的角度觀察，續(xù)寫的首段的開頭句是否可以設(shè)置得更為明確是一個(gè)值得討論的問題。有學(xué)生表示他們沒有理解續(xù)寫首段的開頭句“Ididgetaresponsefromthisyounggirl,”中的response是當(dāng)場(chǎng)（飛機(jī)上）還是后續(xù)（下飛機(jī)后）的回應(yīng)。一種更好的出題改進(jìn)方式是給出明確的時(shí)間狀語(yǔ)，比如：Twodayslater,Ididgetaresponsefromthisyounggirl,…這樣做可以明確敘事的時(shí)間線，減少主觀理解的不確定性。寫作示范Ididgetaresponsefromthisyounggirl,revealingtherewasnotonlyverbalabusebutphysicalabuseaswell.

Sheexpressedgratitudeforthe

note,sayingitwasabeaconofhopeinaverydarktime.Thecouragetoreachouttome,a

stranger,highlightedthe

desperation

anddeterminationtoescapehercurrent

situation.Shesharedthecontinuouscycleof

abuse

sheendured,emphasizinghowmysmallactofkindnesswasthefirsttimesomeoneacknowledgedherpainandofferedawayout.Thisresponsemademerealizetheimpactofinterveninginsituationsthatseembeyondourcontrol,providingaglimmerofhopetothosewhofeelutterlyhelpless.

(93words)Itturnedoutthatmynotehadstartedgettingthegirlonthepathtosavingherself.

Shefoundthestrengthtoleaveher

boyfriend

andendthe

abusive

relationship.My

note

wasaturningpointforher,enablinghertoseetherewerepeoplewhocaredandthatshewasnotaloneinherstruggle.Throughour

email

correspondence,Ilearnedofherjourneytowardsrecoveryandselflove.Thisentireexperienceechoed

myfather'swisdom,reinforcingtheprofoundimpactoftakingaction,nomatterhowsmallitmayseem.Itwasareminderthateventhesimplestgesturesofkindnesscanhaveprofoundeffectsonsomeone'slife.

(91words)01寫作策略亮點(diǎn)亮點(diǎn)主要有兩個(gè)：第一，他充分利用原文中email這個(gè)關(guān)鍵信息，在續(xù)寫中以“郵件溝通”作為故事編寫的抓手（“Throughouremailcorrespondence”）耐心細(xì)致合理地展開了故事敘述。第二，他在續(xù)寫中充分利用了原文中的重要概念（note、desperatesituation、abuse、boyfrien